Fifty Shades Again
by Madss
Summary: It has been five years since Ana and Christian have seen each other. When Ana comes back to Seattle to visit, old memories come out of hiding. When Ana finally runs into Christian, will the spark still be there? Or are they just going to be friends? What if Christian reverts back to his old stalker ways? How many chances will Ana give Mr. Grey?
1. Chapter 1

I still haven't come to the conclusion as to why I agreed to come back here. Kate would kill me if I didn't show up, a Skype yelling match with her is not something to look forward to. After this entire time one would have probably steered clear of a place that held so many memories that were a bundle of love and hate – more so on the hate part. He is going to be there, I thought. It is Carrick's fiftieth birthday – there is no way Grace would let him miss that.

I haven't seen Christian in over five years, five long agonizing years.

Christian Grey was my best friend and the love of my life, he was going to be there and this would be my chance to finally apologize for hurting him so badly all those years ago. I put my headphones in as I start to reminisce down memory lane. Thinking of that dreadful time and trying to convince myself that this was the right thing to do.

Our relationship ended on a horrible note, left only for us to go our desired ways afterwards. Except I was the only one who went my desired way; leaving Christian to follow me for months – dodging him became a thing up to the point where it was unhealthy. The melt down we both had when he finally found me was the breaking point for the both of us.

_"Ana! Stop please!" Christian yelled after me. I knew that there was nowhere to go outside of this back door so I might as well just give up._

_I stopped and leaned heavily against the wall for support which just lead to me falling to the floor as tears ran down my face like waterfalls. I was trying to catch my breath when I looked up into painful grey eyes that looked tearful just as well. _

_"Leave me alone. Christian. Please. You need to leave me alone – JUST LET ME BE!" I didn't mean to yell but that's just how the words came out. I couldn't help it and I didn't realize that I was so angry about how he's been stalking me for the last couple months. I thought I knew New York well enough to evade him but time and time again we always showed up. _

_"I will never let you be Ana. I need you like the air I breathe. I am nothing of a man without you." He was full on crying now and when I looked up to respond I noticed he was towering over me while kneeling directly in front of me. "Please Ana. Please come back to me."_

_We didn't say anything for a long time but after I don't know how long, I pushed him away from me and got up. He shot up just as quickly, obviously getting ready if I was going to run again, I wiped my face and bravely looked up to the face of the man I was still deeply in love with. Praying that he won't see through the lie I'm about to throw down._

_"Christian. Listen to me. You are suffocating me. You're killing me, I don't love you anymore because you cannot seem to leave me alone and let me move on! I am so sorry. Just please, let me go. Be happy, you deserve so much of it."_

_His face went to a pale sheet of white and his mouth hung open as my words went through his head. When he finally spoke his voice was broken, "You don't mean that…" _

_"I do. I have to go." I turned towards the way we came and ran the whole way back to my apartment. When I finally arrived home, I locked my door and fell into my bed just to cry myself to sleep. I stayed there for days because I just went through the second hardest break up of my life. Doing it the first time was hard but seeing him broken and the way he looked when he thought he finally had me made this even worse._

The voice of the pilot came over the intercom which pulled me out of my daydreaming. I cannot back out now that I am on the plane so I guess this is happening.

Here goes nothing…

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I know it's short, but I want to see what you guys think of the story before writing more. I will probably upload another chapter tomorrow - so look for it!

If I do continue, this story will be packed with DRAMA and lots of lustful encounters between our favorite two characters. There will be a happy ending, but I'm looking to take you guys on a ride with this story. So, please. Comments are REQUESTED! Feedback in mandatory!

xoxo,

Madss


	2. Chapter 2

On my drive to Kate and Elliot's from the airport, I cannot help but to pray that Christian won't be there. I want to talk to him but not in that setting and only hours after getting off a plane. I want us to be able to do this in private.

I pull up to the house and I couldn't help but to just sit and be in awe of it. It is beautiful! Obviously Elliot and his team built it but you could tell that Kate and he both had their say in what went where. The thing I loved about it most was the wrap around porch and the big bay windows that were on both the first and second floor.

I leave my bags in the car except for my purse as I make my way up the stairs. As soon as I knock on the door it opens and I have to look down to see who answered it.

"Aunty Ana! You're here! Mommy Aunty Ana is here!"

I cannot help but giggle at this mini Kate that is wrapped around my leg. She looks just like my best friend when she was Ava's age.

"Ana! Hey little lady!" Elliot comes outside to wrap me in one of his signature bear hugs.

"Elliot, how are you? It is so good to see you!" I hug him back and he sets me back on my feet. Just as I was opening my mouth to say something I hear Kate calling from inside the house.

"COME INSIDE ANA!"

When I walk in I get ambushed and only see a wisp of long blonde hair as my best friend hugs me with what seems like everything inside of her. "I've missed you Steele!"

"I've missed you too, Kate. How has everything been?" I say to her and her eyes go wide and I know she is about to pop the cap off and tell me about everything that has happened since I have been gone.

Kate and I see each other once a year, but only when she comes out to New York. I use to think that it was really selfish of me not being able to visit her but I understood why she never invited me and always turned down my offers of coming. She knew that ever since Elliot and Christian started their new business venture that they have spent more time together and she didn't want us crossing paths.

Kate only knows some information about my break up with Christian. I don't think I had the heart to tell anyone what really happened between us; I didn't want anyone to think that Christian was a bad person. What happened came at the wrong time and then what followed was the last straw. I just couldn't see myself ruining his life anymore.

Anastasia Steele, the girl everyone was saving. I couldn't live like that anymore.

Kate leads me into the Den and we both sit down on an oversized love seat. Elliot joins us after bringing us drinks.

"Steele, if I would have known that all you needed was a bit of NYC in you to break out of your shell, than we would have gone there Freshman year for Spring Break." Kate points out how much different I look since when I left Seattle. My hair still goes down to the middle of my back, but I have medium length bangs and a few under tones of hazelnut added here and there and I probably dress better.

I laugh at her and we talk for what seems like hours, all three of us sat and exchanged stories about what has gone on. Kate told me about how Ava is doing in school and Elliot explained his new business venture without name dropping Christian. The only thing pulling us out of our bubble is when Ava ran down the stairs to throw open the front door; Elliot jumped up to go see what she what she ran off too.

"Well Ana, this is a surprise you're going to like. We had nothing to do with it! I swear!" Elliot throws up his hands as the last words he says leave his mouth; in walk Grace and Carrick led by a very happy Ava.

I wasn't even mad, because Grace and Carrick are still the wonderful people that they have always been and I couldn't be happier that they arrived. We greeted each other and decided to all sit down for dinner.

"So, Ana, how is work going? Do you like your job?" Grace says, starting off the conversation.

"Yes, I love my job. I have always wanted to be an Editor and New York opened a lot of different possibilities for me. I think I have met more people there than I did in College." I say and give her a warm smile.

"That's great, dear; Carrick and I really appreciate the letters you send up when you go abroad. You have such a way with words." She says with a twinkle in her eye, "Any new guys in your life?"

Whoa! Where did that come from?

"Yeah, Ana; what big hot-shot are you seeing now?" Elliot's comment makes me laugh and blush even more. He only added it because he knows full on that I haven't 'seen' anyone. Dates maybe, but nothing ever serious, no one has ever been able to catch my attention since Christian.

"Nobody as of now, I like being by myself because I get to enjoy the city more, do whatever I want." I said as I shrug my shoulders - like it was no big deal that I was alone. Bold face lie number one.

_Don't keep track! _My subconscious sneers at me.

"That's wonderful, Ana. You are coming to our celebration Saturday, correct?" Carrick says and I already have a feeling of what's going to follow.

"Yes! I came back for that special get together," I say while eager to change the topic immediately.

The conversation flew around many topics while Carrick and Grace were visiting and I enjoyed every minute of it. I couldn't believe how down to earth they still are about everything. Even though Christian and I still aren't together, they still want to be around me. When they left, Grace gave me a hug and whispered that she hopes I stay long enough to see Christian. That left me speechless and she gave me a knowing smile as they walked back to their car. I didn't even know what to say.

"Ana, let's have some more wine and get down to their girl talk." I followed Kate into the kitchen and we sat at the breakfast bar drinking our deep wine glasses.

"What do you want to talk about Kate?" I already know. Please don't say Christian. Please don't say Christian. Please don't say Chr—

"I want to talk about Christian, Ana." Damn it. "Are you going to be okay to see him in two days? I mean you never even told me why you two really broke up?"

"Kate," I take a deep breath knowing she won't let me go to bed until I tell her something, "I will see him on Saturday. It will happen; I cannot be best friends with you and not see him. You're connected to his family for gosh sakes and for the last time I am fine. Promise."

Kate narrows her eyes at me, "Okay, Steele. If you say so – but I KNOW that there is something else here. You'll tell me when you are ready."

"Kate, I …-"

"Ana honestly it is okay. He misses you though. He may take showers now and takes better care of himself then he did when you left. But I can tell when I look in his eyes, it is like he is itching to ask about you. Sometimes I just want to say 'Ana is safe and okay' just to get him some sort of relief. All he does is work sweetie, and we haven't seen him with anyone else since you. You know, if you wanted to see him I wouldn't give you any crap about it."

I stare at her with probably the blankest expression on my face. She just openly admitted all that information without me having to give her anything. I wouldn't doubt that Christian got a sub a while after the melt down in New York, even though I really hope he didn't. But it isn't like I could blame him for doing anything wrong. Wait… Kate doesn't give crap about it?

"Since when did you start rooting for Team Christian?"

"Ana, I am and will always be on your side. But since you have been gone, Christian and I are have been more than civil towards each other. I just know how much he loved you or still loves you. If I was in his position I think I wouldn't have lasted a month without Elliot."

Wow. An unexpected tear falls down my face and I wipe it away as quickly as it fell. I take a couple more deep breaths to get myself together.

"I haven't talked to him in years, Kate." Should I tell her about the letters?

"Well, tell me the last time you did have words with him?" Kate says.

"We.. Uh.. " Crap, now I am going to have to tell her, "I wrote him a letter about two years ago. He sent me one back and it was only a couple that we wrote back and forth. It isn't like we declared our love for each other again. But we did settle on some neutral ground, I let him know I was safe and happy. He told me the same thing." As I tell her I leave out that I carry around those two letters in my purse where ever I go. The words he wrote always made me want to come back to him. Run right back into his arms, but I just couldn't give up all the work I did.

"Ana, do you want to see him?"

I look at her and I decide right then and there not to lie to my best friend anymore. "Yes," it was just above a whisper but I knew she heard it because she leaned forward and hugged me tight.

"Thank you for being honest with me. I couldn't stand sitting here and watch you lie to yourself anymore. But, this works out because now we can go shopping and make you look extra hot for Saturday. He'll be falling at your feet. Let's head to bed so we can wake up early tomorrow."

All I could do was smile because the first time in a long time I was excited and nervous.

"Good night Kate."

"Goodnight Steele."

"Hey Kate, one more question," even though I already know the answer, "does Christian know I'm back?" She looks at me for a moment, smiles, and without saying a word turns around and heads to her room.

I stand there speechless with a million and one emotions flying through my head.

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**Thanks for the reviews/favorites/follows! I thought I would throw this chapter out here before going to bed, just to give you guys another look at where I am going with this. You may think you know what is happening but you have NO idea where my head is at with this story.**

**As always, reviews are mandatory!**

**xoxo,**

**Madss**


	3. Chapter 3

Even though I got absolutely no sleep last night, I feel refreshed. Probably because I know I'm going to see Christian in a matter of hours. After thinking about all the negativity last night, I decided to walk in to that birthday party like I owned the place, with my head held high and go right for what I want.

Christian. My man.

Do I sound like a stalker? Oh. Have I turned into one of the fifteen? A stalker? I can't help but think back to five years ago when I first met him and I was invisible to every guy around me. Christian made me feel sexy and powerful – like I could do anything.

I decide to ignore my subconscious, evil bitch; all I do is doubt myself when she's around. I take my time getting ready for the party, its 10 am and it starts at two. I shave, shower, and spritz. Elliot and Kate have already left so I am going to be walking in by myself. Hell, I don't even know if he will be there when I get there! I need to calm down somehow.

I walk to the kitchen with my heels in my hand and lean against the counter while I put them on. Standing up straight I look into the mirror directly in front of me. Well, well, well... Little Ana Steele is all grown up. I look amazing! What I see is a women staring back at me who looks like she's been primping herself this way since she was sixteen.

I grab my bag and head out the door to get into my rental car, it's a Mercedes SUV and it drives amazingly. I plug in my iPod and load up a playlist before backing out of the driveway.

* * *

Get out. Go inside. Smile. Get out. Go inside. Smile. Get out. Go inside. Smile. _You can do this..._

I open my car door and walk the path of doom up to the front door; I don't know why I am so worried about seeing Grace and Carrick. I just saw them yesterday and they were amazing as usual. I knock on the door and wait, and wait, and wait...

"Ana!" Oh, Mia. She jumps at me and of course I am so small and she is so tall that we stumble backwards but only by a little bit. "Ana I have missed you so much! I cannot believe you are here!" she says as she hugs me again.

"Mia, you know I wouldn't miss another party. I'm pretty sure the second I opened the invite you called me to make sure I got it! I have missed you too though. We definitely need to hang out while I am in town!"

"Definitely." She takes my hand and leads me into the house and left into the living room. Where it looks like almost everyone has arrived. "Come on, everyone is here." When she says that I get a little bummed because I don't see Christian nor do I feel that electricity we had whenever in the same room with each other. Uh oh, that is probably a sign right there.

I see Kate talking with Grace but Mia decides to pull me in the opposite direction into the kitchen, "What do you want to drink? We have everything."

"Uh. Wine? If you have it that is," I say with a giggle.

As she pours me a glass of wine I couldn't help but notice the decorations set up in the back yard. "Mia, do you mind if I go say hi to your parents, are they outside?"

"Yeah, might as well do it now before all Dads boring friends get here from the law firm!" She says while making her way back into the sitting area.

* * *

The party is in full swing an hour and half later and there is still no sign of Christian. No one has even brought him up and I don't want to be the ex-girlfriend who asked about him. All of a sudden a bang comes from the stage and the band announces that they are going to start preforming soon. I turn around to scale the party of who I know and don't know and that's when I see him, standing there looking drop dead gorgeous in dark jeans and a white button up shirt. His sleeves are rolled up to his elbows and hit top two buttons are unbuttoned.

Oh. My. God.

He's staring at me. My mouth falls open and I turn around immediately retreating into the house for some more wine. Or maybe even some water. No, wine – definitely. Something to get my body back on to track; wait… isn't this what I want? No. Not here. Not yet. Later maybe, but not in front of everyone.

As I weave through the crowd trying to find an appropriate entrance I get turned around by strong arms - looking up to not find molten grey eyes but Ethan's staring down at me.

"Ana banana! You weren't even going to say hi to me!?" Not even a second after he has finished his sentence I jump up to hug him and he catches me. Spinning me around so I can see the whole party and stopping where my direct eye line falls on Christian. Who is still watching me and I can see from here that his jaw is tight and his fists are clenched together.

"Ethan, I have missed you so much! How have you been?" He still has yet to put me down; he squeezes me one more time than sets me on my feet. When I look up at him he has the biggest smile on his face which makes mine even bigger.

"I've been great! I cannot believe you came, Mia mentioned you were coming but I didn't think in a million years you would actually show up."

_Why does everyone think I wouldn't come to something I was invited too? _

"That's great Ethan, I am so happy for you! Listen I have to run to the bathroom so when I get back we can catch up okay." I turn around and make my way to the house making sure to sneak a glance back over my shoulder at Christian. Although I can't seem to locate him, where did he go? I get inside with no more interruptions and of course there is someone in the downstairs bathroom so now I have to walk up stairs.

Once I am out of the bathroom and half way down the hall, I get pulled gently into a room with the lights off. It isn't dark in the room and I can clearly feel that it is Christian who did this. I mean, this is his bedroom he pulled me into. My body is turned towards the wall and he is standing right behind me rubbing his hands up and down my arms to calm my chill bumps. We don't say anything to each other, I hear him smell my hair and run his nose over my shoulder.

"...Christian," is all I can get out right now; my voice sounds broken and just above a whisper. His touch on my body is doing other things to me and it is so hard to think. Finally he stops and I can feel his arms go down to my waist and he turns me around so I am facing him and looks me dead in the eye.

* * *

**Okay, since everyone begged me so nicely - I am uploading this chapter early. I was going to upload it tonight but now you'll just get the one after this one (which will be longer - I swear!). You guys are AWESOME! Like, freaking amazing! I love you all for viewing my story! I appreciate it so much! Remember to leave a REVIEW because that is what keeps me going! I want to know what you guys are thinking of my story so always, always, always leave a REVIEW! I decided to leave this chapter like I did because of the anticipation factor, I would give you guys a hint as to whats happening next but, that would be telling...**

**xoxo,**

**madss**


	4. Chapter 4

**Christians POV**

I can't believe I have to go to this over dramatic birthday party for my father. What happened to us just having dinner with only the family? And maybe my crazy grandparents - I could always get a laugh from those two nut jobs. I smile thinking of my grandparents love for each other; been together for years and years and couldn't regret a day of it. Who knew?

I guess I thought that was going to happen for me at some point too. When I met the one, I wanted to marry her then and there. She was the perfect woman for someone like me; she never put up with my shit and always knew when I needed her. She was amazing, flawless, and she blew my mind day in and day out with how smart she was. God, that woman was a fucking angel.

What I did to deserve her only made me confused, I never understood what she saw in me. I remember when she told me she loved me and we separated for almost a week because I couldn't pull my head out of my ass and come down from my ivory tower to see that I was loved by the most beautiful woman that could ever walk this earth.

I know she is in town because Elliot told me, he said that I shouldn't know because of what happened between us. Which I doubt he even knows the truth - whatever Ana told everyone I just went with; when she left me, my first thought was that she told everyone what had really happened and they would all hate me. That night my mother came over and she didn't have a clue as to what she was walking in on; she didn't even know Ana had left until she saw me passed out at the piano with a bottle of whiskey dangling in one hand and Ana's goodbye letter in the other.

The last time I saw Ana I knew she was gone out of my life for good, I knew we were done. That night in New York when I thought I had her for good; I thought I could just take her back home with me and love her. I had fought tooth and nail just to look at her one last time, smell her lavender scented hair and lemon body wash on her skin. Just to calm her goose bumps away whenever she got around me because that electric shock we both felt, that 'jolt' that I never had with anyone but her, was always so intense.

When Elliot told me the news of my girl coming back to visit for Carrick's party I got even more overwhelmed with ideas of how to win her back. Elliot could see right through it. I wanted to send flowers, presents, and a fucking singing flock of birds to show her how much I had missed her; but Elliot told me that I needed to play it cool and wait to see her at the party.

For once, I actually listened to him. Because as Taylor is driving me to my parents' house, I think about how I want her to be shocked to see me there. To be so into seeing me again that she has to leave the room.

I. Just. Want. Her. Back.

* * *

** Ana POV**

"...Christian," I said his name again because I don't know how long we just stood there staring at each other. We were so close that we might as well be breathing each other's air.

"What are you doing here, Ana?" Whoa. He's mad, I drop my head but then I see his cock bulging through his pants. Oh. He's turned on... Let's play this game then.

"..I... I came for your parents," I said it all so fast that he probably didn't catch a word of it. Taking a deep breath I look back up at him and bite my lip slightly and for a second I see him slipping so I do what I came here to do. I reach up and kiss him, just the lightest, gentlest kisses I think I have ever bestowed upon him. I can see the lust and urge cross over his face I don't know how many times. I start to stroke his neck and he leans his forehead on mine; we are so close to kissing again that if I just lean forward…

"Ana...," he turns away from me and walks across the room to sit on the window seat; leaving me to lean against the door and actually take a steady breath. When I finally focus back on him, he is staring at me with those eyes again; I know he is holding back because he doesn't know where we stand. The last time we talked, in the letters, we agreed to be civil towards each other if the time ever came when we crossed paths.

"Ana, I don't know what to say to you. Forgive me, please; I have waited years for you to walk back into my life again. I went through countless journals and notebooks writing down my feelings for you – so when I did see you, you would know. But that was years ago and now here you are and all I can think about is if I am dreaming or not…"

He trails off with his words and eyes. He isn't looking at me anymore and I need to think fast before he leaves or I do. So I walk towards him, slowly; with my arms hanging loosely around me and the look on my face is probably pure agony. "Christian…"

He looks up at me and sees that I am walking towards him so he stands up. "Ana, stop. Please. I cannot think correctly with you looking at me like that. I mean, here you are and all I want to do is lose myself in you. Build up five years of tension that is inside me waiting for a release because my fucking girlfriend, who was the only one for me, decided to leave me in the dust and go to New York." He runs his hands through his hair and starts to pace in front of me. All I want to do is reach out and kiss him.

"…was." I felt like I couldn't breathe, "Okay."

"Don't take that the wrong way, please. You don't even realize how happy I am that you are back. But, we aren't the same people anymore. You told me you hated me, Ana." The more he talks the more the tears start to well up, "On my way here I was trying to think of a plan to get you back. To make you mine again – but now that you are standing right in front of me looking so god damn good, I can't help but to have some anger take over from all those years ago."

"So you don't want me anymore?" I thought I was going to stop breathing, "you… you don't love me anymore. Christian I came back to apologize to you, in person. Not over the phone or via text or letter. I needed to see you and see how happy you have become without me dragging you down all the time! I just wanted to apologize so we could start over…" The tears are coming heavy now and I have to sit down on the bed to keep from falling on the floor.

I feel him sitting next to me on the bed, he hands me a tissue and just lets me cry. When I look up at him I can see why he has been so quite. Not a lot – but a few tears have fallen across his beautiful face, I reach up and wipe them away.

"Christian I want to start over. We can be friends, friends with benefits, boyfriend and girlfriend, sub and dom, I'll do wha...-"

"Anastasia, don't you EVER tell me that we can have a dom/sub relationship." Oh he's definitely mad now, "You were never my sub! You were my best friend and the love of my life. As for starting over, I would have to think about it. I don't know if I could trust you anymore, I opened up to you for the first time in my whole life. We were together for almost a year and you just left me with a fucking hand written note! You don't even live here anymore!"

"I am sorry! Okay! Is that what you want me to say, Christian? That I am sorry! I'm sorry I lost our child and I am sorry I destroyed our relationship because of it! I am so, so sorry I left you! But I couldn't keep seeing the look on your face every time you looked at me – like it was my fault I lost our baby! Like I had a miscarriage on purpose! You made me feel horrible, like a terrible human being, you made me feel like I was in it by myself and you didn't want anything to do with it!"

"Ana… Stop!"

"No! You stop! You stop acting like I just up and left you! We lost our baby, Christian and you should have comforted me and supported me but instead you left to god knows where and disappeared for days. What did you want me to do? Be there waiting for you when you came back drunk again? Listen to you mumble about how I ruined your life, again? What did you want from me Christian? I couldn't ever talk to you because you were always gone ALL the TIME! You left me long before I left you, but at least I have the decency to stand up to you and apologize about my behavior!"

"Ana… Listen to me..."

"No, I am leaving. Tell your parents that I said goodbye and that I love them. But I can't keep exhausting myself with this conversation. I just came back to apologize and see if we could start over as friends or… or… whatever! But you said it, you can't trust me anymore. So for the third time in over five years, Christian, goodbye…" I booked it out of that room and ran down the stairs, grabbing my bag from the landing and shooting out the door. I kicked my heels off in the car and went straight for Seattle to book a room at the nearest hotel.

I just wanted to be alone.

* * *

**Okay guys? So there was some of your questions answered this chapter. Now since I've been spoiling you guys with this - I am not going to update again until tomorrow. I know, last time I lied but you guys all rock and keep me going with your kind words that it is just hard not to. I love to write and writing something like this to get immediate feed back helps the motivation with personal stories! **

**Again! You guys ROCK! Do me a favor, write a review saying what you think should happen next...and if I like it, it might just be the NEXT chapter. Who knows. I will be doing this every once and a while because I want to interact with you guys because even though I am writing my story, its really being written FOR YOU! **

**So have at it!**

**Also, I work in the mornings so updates probably wont be till around this time or later. **

**To Pks9704: 'anticipation hell' isn't so bad sometimes. ;)**

**xoxo,**

**Madss**


	5. Chapter 5

I reached the Fairmont and got the first room available. I made sure to stop off at some liquor store and by three bottles of cheap wine. Ones that would get me good and drunk; by the time I make it up to my room I am a complete mess. I walk into the bathroom and can see now why the lady at the front desk was repeatedly asking me if I was okay.

My mascara was running down my face along with the tears that wouldn't stop. I uncorked one of the bottles, took off my dress and got into a robe. I made sure the room I got would have a perfect view of the Seattle skyline. I opened the curtains to find floor to ceiling windows – perfect. Pulling up a chair, I start sipping on the wine right out of the bottle.

This wasn't how this trip was supposed to go; I wasn't supposed to cry at all. Why does he always make me cry?

_Because you love him, silly._

That makes me laugh, because I love him, I love him with everything in me. But not like any of his subs loved him, they were obsessed with him controlling their every move. I am obsessed with his love for me and my love for him.

I start to think back to when we broke up, how happy we were before everything happened. How we use to sit on the living room floor in front of the windows, just like the ones before me, tangled in sheets and making love to the beat of the rain. We would lie there for hours and not care about the time, memorizing each other's bodies; every curve, dip, or crease.

_"Christian, stop it!" I cannot contain my laughter anymore, he won't stop tickling me, "Christian, baby, please I can't anymore." But I still broke out in a fit of giggles; he was lying next to me with half his body on mine and was tickling the crap out of me. _

_"God, I love that sound…," he said, his tone full of lust and adoration for me, "I think it's my favorite sound in the whole world. I could die a happy man if that was the only sound I heard for the rest of my life."_

_I smile up at him, "For the rest of your life, huh? That's a long time, Mr. Grey."_

_"For you, that sound, this body, your mind, and those eyes – I could rule the world with just a sniff of your hair, Ana. You are so intriguing and you don't even see it." He continues to compliment me while running his hands all over my body. Down my arm, across my waist, up my stomach, under the curve of my breasts and he stops to rest it on my shoulder; his thumb rubbing circles on my collar bone. "You bewitch me with your beauty every time I look at you."_

_I look away from him and blush because he is just too sweet to me. "You are amazing Christian," when I look back at him he is staring at me with those eyes that would melt my soul, "how did I get so lucky?"_

_"Ha, I think it is me who got lucky!" He says as he rolls over on top of me, he spreads my legs with his knees and positions himself at my entrance, "Look at me."_

_I couldn't though; I was too busy focusing on that friction that his hard member was causing every time he moved over my core. "…Christian." It came out in more than a moan then anything – I just couldn't help myself. _

_"Ana. Look. At. Me." When I finally turn my head towards him he runs his nose along mine and catches my mouth giving me a passionate filled kiss that left me breathless and wanting more. "Anastasia Steele, you are my life. You make me want to be the greatest man there is, but only if I can never hear you doubt yourself again." _

_He starts to slowly push into me, knowing I will agree because the sensation is to damn good, "Ahh, Christian… please." _

_He chuckles a little, "Agree with me, Ana."_

_"Yes, yes, yes, and yes. Never again, I promise," and with my promise he fills me to my hilt and continues to work me over as we lose ourselves to the beat of the rain and our absolute love for each other. _

Remembering that makes me take another long chug from the wine bottle that's almost empty now. I should probably text Kate and let her know I won't be staying at their house tonight; once I shoot a text over to her I check my email. I guess I forgot to turn my phone back on loud because I have a few.

* * *

**To:** Anastasia Steele

**Date: **06/08/2013

**Subject: **where are you?

**From: **Christian Grey

Ana,

I want to speak with you immediately. We need to talk and I am regretting letting you storm out of my parent's. I have been to Kate and Elliot's house and you are not there. Don't make me track your phone.

I need to see you.

Christian Grey, CEO  
Grey Enterprises & Holdings

* * *

He's looking for me? Well he won't be able to track my car anymore since I have a rental. But my phone he is definitely going to be able to find – what should I do? I move on to the next email with my eyes wide as rocks.

* * *

**To:** Anastasia Steele

**Date: **06/08/2013

**Subject: **please talk to me

**From: **Christian Grey

Ana, if you don't reply back to me than I will have to trace your phone.

Christian Grey, CEO  
Grey Enterprises & Holdings

* * *

What? He wouldn't dare! We aren't together anymore, he can't do this! I ask for his forgiveness and he just pushes me away just to come looking for me again?

* * *

**To:** Anastasia Steele

**Date: **06/08/2013

**Subject: **you leave me no choice

**From: **Christian Grey

The Fairmont, huh? Game on.

Christian Grey, CEO  
Grey Enterprises & Holdings

* * *

_Shit. Shit. Shit. _

That was ten minutes ago. What if he shows up here? I am a mess! I rush into the bathroom to remove the mascara from my face and flip my hair some. I decide not to put my dress back on; I am way too comfortable in this robe.

_Knock. Knock. Knock. Knock._

He wasn't kidding. I move to open the door but it swings open on its own; and there he is. Standing with Taylor behind him, he looks me up and down then turns to say something to Taylor over his shoulder. Probably telling him he could leave.

"Christian, what are you doing here?" I already know he wants to talk, what a stupid question.

He doesn't say anything. He comes in, locks the door and heads to the bar to pour him a drink. I see him chug it like it was his last dying wish.

"This is my first drink in years, Ana. After you left I got so drunk for weeks, to the point where I couldn't even stand whiskey anymore. It stopped blocking you from my head because I got to use to the buzz. It turned into you every time." He looks at me and gives me a sideways smile. _Oh. _

He points to the window, chair, and bottles of wine and smirks, "Watching the rain, huh?"

I smile, "It's still my favorite thing to do."

He sets his drink down and fully turns to me, "Ana… You don't realize what I have been through since you've been gone. I need to know the truth before we move forward"

* * *

The rain started to get heavier so Christian stayed longer than expected, or didn't expect, I don't really know what his plan is. The whole time he has been here I cannot think of doing anything else but jumping his bones. I'm sitting in the chair and he's on the bed with his elbows on his knees. I'm facing him somewhat so I could see any change of reaction to what I was about to say.

"You look good," I might as well start the conversation of being honest, "like nothing has changed; but you are different. I don't know what it is yet but you've changed."

He looked at me like I had two heads, sighing he said "Anastasia, you changed me when I met you. You changed me again when we were dating. You changed me again when you agreed to move in with me. You changed me again when you showed me the pregnancy tests. You changed me again when WE lost OUR baby. You changed me again when you left me. Anastasia, I lost two things in the same month that I loved with all my heart and I almost died because of it..."

I couldn't stop the tears from falling when he told me how I had changed him. How could I be so selfish as to not think about him when I left? What is wrong with me?

"Christian, I am so, so unbelievably sorry that I left you." Hugging my robe to myself more I take a deep breath and say, "If I never left you, you wouldn't be so cold and heartless towards me. We would still be hopelessly in love and you wouldn't hate me so much like you do now."

The look on his face when I say that he hated me was of pure agony, like he didn't know what to make of it. "Anastasia I don't hate you."

I stand up, letting the robe fall open, not even caring that I don't have anything on but a lace piece of underwear. He gasps as he notices my body and then looks me right in the eyes. "But you do, you do and it's killing me. You want to know the truth, Christian? I regret everything. I went to New York and it was miserable, I wanted to come back to you so bad and so many times that one time I made it all the way to the airport before turning around. I just wanted to see you and hold you but I was so stubborn and wouldn't let you save me. You asked for the truth, right? The truth is I haven't been able to forget you, I have never been able to move on from you because I am still so in love with you. Whenever I went anywhere you were always there, in the back of my mind reminding me to watch my step or to not bite my lip. You promised me that you wouldn't ever hurt me, but as soon as the going got tough with the miscarriage you were out the door."

I can't read any emotion on his face, but after a while he shook his head and looked down while taking deep breaths. "Christian, what is wrong? You said you wanted to be honest with each other! Please be honest with me, tell me if I am just wasting my time here and you've already forgotten about me." As soon as the words are out of my mouth he launches at me, pinning me against the large glasses window - I was so scared I thought we were going to go through the glass. He has one of his hands in the robe resting on my bare back - pulling me against him. The other is in my hair tugging it so I would look up at him.

"You think I didn't want you back? You think that I could forget you? Forget what we have together? The love that we shared was a once in a lifetime love and it is still unforgettable." His voice is so low and sexy that it's hard for me to control my breathing. "Anastasia...," He draws out saying my name while running his nose up and down mine - not taking his eyes from me, "I chased you for months. I couldn't leave my apartment, I wouldn't go to work, I drank all day and night and I wouldn't let Gail wash our sheets because it smelled just like you. I had Welch, Taylor, and Sawyer working double overtime to find you. I didn't shower or shave; my days would mix together and I never knew what time it really was. You said that I left you way before you left me, but if I left - I wasn't gone. When you left - you took my sun and my moon, you took my happy; you took everything with you but my anger. When I saw you in New York all those times," What? All those times? How many times did he see me? "All I wanted to do was throw you over my shoulder and bring you home so I could breathe again."

All of a sudden he picked me up and tossed me on the bed, the robe flew open and he stood there staring at me while removing his pants and then his shirt. When he climbed on top of me he started kissing up my body, "Anastasia, you have said that I didn't miss you, countless times. You told me you hated me and then told me you loved me." After he was fully on top of me, he started kissing my neck and the valley between my breasts; I couldn't fight back the moans anymore.

"Let me show you how much I have missed you..." He said, and then he caught my mouth with his and kissed me like I was going to evaporate.

* * *

**xoxo, **

**Madss**


	6. Chapter 6

**Christians POV**

God, ever since I opened the hotel room door and saw her standing there in just a robe I have wanted to lose myself in her. We agreed to be honest with each other and when she told me that she couldn't forget me, my heart leaped out of my chest and I couldn't control myself any longer. Kissing her after all this time still made me weak in the knees and I need to satisfy this built up passion inside of me. It's been way to long since I have had any sort of release from anything other than my left hand.

I toss her on the bed and remove my clothes – except my t-shirt, I don't know what her touch to my chest is going to do to me. When she left me, I wouldn't let anyone get near me, I went straight back to the old Christian.

I climb on top of her and slowly work my way up her body before capturing her mouth with mine. When we finally break apart, we are both gasping fair, as I look down into those blue eyes - I start to remember how we got to this point. Which causes me to sit back up on my knees and fight to stay there; the look on her face is twisted into pain and confusion. I feel like I already know she is going to think, _that I don't want her anymore._

"Christian, what's wrong?" She says, she's leaning back on her elbows and looking up at me waiting for an answer and I feel her legs tightening around my hips.

"I… I don't have any condoms," I say. Running my hands through my hair, I need to control myself – she still has such a powerful hold on my body when I am with her, even after all this time. "Ana, I don't think this is such a good idea."

Her face falls and I can already see the tears forming in her eyes, even when she isn't even looking at me, I know that she is devastated. "We need to talk about something's before we can be together like this again… I know I told you that I wanted to show you how much I've missed you and God, do I want too. I want nothing else but to bury myself in you right now, but we need to be smart about this. I don't want us to rush into something without straightening out a few things first."

She goes to say something but we are both interrupted by my Blackberry ringing, I let out a breath and get off the bed to pick up my phone.

"Grey."

**Ana's POV**

He moves to pick up his phone and I can't help but to lie back down and cover my face with my hands. _What the hell just happened?_ As he talks to who I can only assume is Taylor, I think about what he said about waiting until we were in the right mind set to do anything sexual. He is probably right; I have to go back to New York tomorrow night. If we did end up having sex, leaving again after that would have been heartbreaking.

"Ana, are you listening to me? I have to go." Christian's words pull me out of my thoughts and I sit up slowly to look at him. "I'm sorry; I really have to go take care of something at Escala."

_Oh. _

"O...Okay," I say and wipe the tears from my face with the sleeve of the robe, "you're right, this was probably a bad idea." I make a move to get up by sliding towards the edge of the bed and he steps in between my legs to stop me.

"Hey, I was serious when I said that I wanted you more than anything. But, if we're going to start over we need to get some things straight before moving forward. Giving in to our desires would only make matters worse," he looks just as devastated as I probably do.

"Christian, it's fine, I need to get some rest anyways so I can see Ray and say goodbye to everyone tomorrow." When I finally look up at him he looks angry, "Why are you looking at me like that?"

"You're leaving tomorrow?" He says with aggression, "Your flight plan says that you're not leaving until Tuesday."

My flight plan?" I don't get it, "How did you…-"

"Ana, I am still the same controlling man you knew all those years ago. I was told you might be visiting this weekend and I needed to know," he says.

"You can't just spy on me whenever you think I am going to be in town, Christian. Do you know anything else about my life in New York?" He doesn't even need to say anything; all he does is smile and lean down to kiss my forehead.

When he stands and makes his way to the door I stop him, "Christian, can I please ask you just one thing and I beg you to be honest with me…" He stops and turns towards me, waiting, "I know it's the weekend and all…" I drop my head, "that thing you need to take care of at Escala wouldn't be a sub would it?" I don't even want to look up because if he says yes, I don't want him to see how hurt I'd be.

"Ana, have you not listened to a word I have said to you?" What does that mean?

"It's alright, you don't have to tell me, I mean I completely understand if you do because we aren't together any-" he cuts me off by walking right up to me and pulling me to his body.

"I told you that our love is unforgettable and I meant it," and with that he was gone.

* * *

"Ana, just tell me! I already know that you two have talked, just tell me!" Kate had been pressuring my nonstop since I came back to their house this morning for breakfast.

"Fine, but you cannot say anything to anyone!" I take a deep breath, "Kate, we talked but didn't get down to what we needed too. I wish we didn't get so distracted actually."

"I knew it, you guys totally had sex! When you're back I get to hear all the juicy details!"

"Kate, we didn't have sex. We almost did, but we didn't," I say and now that I think about it I should have said it with more confidence instead of sounding so sad.

"But, you almost did? That's still something. Maybe you guys should just save the talking for later and just have it out…"

"…and on that note, I need to get going. I want to get to the airport early." I stood up and turned towards Kate – giving her one last hug before leaving. "I'm going to miss you Kate, I need to start coming back out here more."

"Yeah, me too Steele and I know you'll be back out here to see Christian." She says that with a wink and her signature smile.

"Right, you keep saying that," I grabbed my bags and made sure I had everything before getting back on the road towards SeaTac. On my way, I think about Christian and what he said about starting over and how our love is unforgettable. Maybe I should call him when I get to the airport to say goodbye one last time; I sound like a teenage girl head of heels in love with the star jock of high school. Well, at least one of those is true.

When I arrive at the airport I am still deciding on whether I should call Christian or not, why am I even debating? I sit there and people watch, because that is the best thing to do while in an airport, and I see how everyone else is interacting with each other. All the couples who are jetting off to somewhere to spend time with each other; and all the families who are on vacation with their loved ones makes me feel like coming back here was the right choice. I am so happy that I got to see Christian but I just wish we could say goodbye to each other one last time.

I look at my phone and go to his contact, as soon as I press the button to dial his number I get butterflies in my stomach. I take a deep breath and listen to the ringing and then get disappointed when it goes to voicemail. "Hey, it's me. I…I just wanted to tell you I was leaving and…" I take another breath and wait to get my words together. "I don't know what I'm doing, I just wanted to say goodbye to you. I'll see you around, Christian."

I hang up and curse myself for sounding so dumb, I shouldn't even have called him. As soon as my flight gets called I jump up, ready to get on the plane back home, eager to be in my own space and get back to work.

* * *

The flight was long and bearable, I was so happy when I stepped off the plane; I immediately turned my phone on to see if Christian had called me back. I was even more disappointed when I saw that there weren't any missed messages, so I throw my phone back in my bag. When I get down to baggage claim I see some one that is holding a sign with my name on it. I don't think anything of it, it just has my last name on it – there isn't any way that he's standing there for me.

I walk right past him to pick out my luggage and I glance over my shoulder to see that he is actually following me. When I stand to wait, he stands right next to me and dials his phone, "She has arrived, sir." He says to whoever, "Yes, sir. Right away." When he turns to me I am already in the process of picking up my bag but he grabs it out of my grip like it weighs nothing. "Ma'am, I would like you to come with me. I will be bringing you back to your apartment per Mr. Grey's orders."

I roll my eyes, and gesture for him to lead the way. Once we are in the car, he calls whoever to let them know that we are on our way back to my apartment. I stare out the window and figure that this is just personal security that Christian has hired since we are talking again or probably has something to do with that situation he had to get back to Escala for. When we arrive back to my apartment, the driver jumps out to open my door, "Ms. Steele, please head up stairs and I will follow with you bags shortly." I look at him with confusion and mumble an okay, all I want to do is eat and fall into bed.

When I get upstairs and unlock my door, I walk into an amazing scene…

There are candles lit everywhere and flowers upon flowers everywhere, I drop my purse on the floor to kneel and scrounge out my phone from somewhere. I walk more and more into my apartment and see more and more flowers and candles and then when I look closely at what's on the floor - I am in total shock, tears are pooling in my eyes. There are pictures scattered everywhere of Christian and I from the time we spent together five years ago. There is only one person who would do this for me, I dial Christian's number and then spin around when I hear someone's phone ringing right behind me.

What I see is the most gorgeous man ever…just standing in my kitchen.


	7. Chapter 7

_"Wake up, baby," I could feel him kissing my neck and rubbing his hands up and down my body. Stopping only to squeeze my ass every few stokes. "Ana…"_

_I turn towards him, opening my eyes and staring into my soul mate, "Good morning, handsome." I say, reaching out to rest my hand on his chest. _

_"Good morning, baby. Did you sleep well?" I nod and nuzzle into him, kissing along his jaw line. _

_"How'd you sleep baby? You didn't come to bed until late…" I look up at him and he's smiling. "What are you smiling about?" _

_"I'm just obsessed with how you unknowingly remind me every single morning how much I love you, and how lucky I am to be able to wake up next to a goddess every morning." _

_I blush and turn away; he always says the right words to make me feel so right inside. So wanted. He grabbed me and pulled me in closer, "Don't turn away from me Anastasia, I thought we talked about your self doubt?" _

_"I know, I know. I'm sorry, you just make me feel so good when you tell me how you feel and I guess sometimes I just don't get what you see in me. But, I promise, again."_

_He rolls on top of me, spreading my knees with his legs and leaning down on his elbows he starts to kiss the valley in between my breasts. "Anastasia…you are so beautiful. Do you know that?" I mumble an incoherent answer, leaning up to kiss his shoulder and he immediately pulls back. _

_I look at him with confusion, "What…?"_

_"I asked you a question," he leans forward so I am flat on my back again and I can feel his hard cock rubbing right at my entrance. Dear god, this man is going to be the death of me. "Do you need me to ask you again?"_

_"No, I don't need you to ask me again. Because I will always hear what you have to say to me, Christian." I grab his face and look him right in the eyes, "…and yes, baby, I do understand you. Now fuck me before I change my mind!"_

_He slams into me at my words and stays there. Filling me to the hilt, making my hips move for some sort of friction. He places his hand on my left hip to hold me in place while he is still full inside me. "Mine. This is mine, Ana and you are beautiful." He starts to move and I quiver underneath him because it feels so damn good. This man has me captured mind, body and soul. _

* * *

_After losing ourselves in each other twice this morning we take extra-long hot showers and then meet in the kitchen for breakfast and then we are off to work. _

_"Ana, Dr. Greene is on the phone," Hannah says through the intercom. _

_"Thank you, Hannah, put her through." I grab the receiver and wait for Dr. Greene to come on the line. "Yes, Dr. Greene, this is Ana, what can I do for you?"_

_"I am doing well, Ana, thank you." She pauses for a moment, "I was just wondering if you were planning on coming in to see me anytime soon…?"_

_I stop my multitasking focus on what she just said, "Uh…I'm sorry you have me at a bit of a disadvantage. I was just into see you last month."_

_"Ana, I hate to do this over the phone but you missed our last appointment two weeks ago… I didn't know if you just changed doctors or found other methods of birth control."_

_"Dr. Greene, I'd like to come in as soon as possible actually. I haven't been using other birth control and there is no way I changed doctors," Christian would kill me. _

_"Alright, Ana, if you can come in around 3 than we'd be able to do a quick pregnancy test." _

_"Okay, I'll see you then." I hang up and pick my phone up to call Christian - wait... Should I call him? What if it is just a false alarm? I can't be pregnant, can I? _

_ That would ruin everything._

_I make my way out to the SUV waiting by the curb with sawyer tailing behind me, "Do we have a deal? Not to say a word about this to Christian?"_

_"Yes, ma'am." He said in a monotone. _

_As we drive the Dr. Greene's office, I can't help but to be extremely nervous. When we arrive and I go into the exam room, I have a total out of body experience, like I am seeing everything from the outside. Dr. Greene comes in and gives me a sideways smile, like she already knows. Oh god. _

_"Alright, Ana, are you ready?" _

_I look at her and nod my head; no words can come out of my mouth. _

_The nurse takes my blood and leaves the room telling me to be patient and to change into the dressing gown that she left. I change and I know I'm shaking because I can hear the rattle of the paper against my skin. _

_"Alright, let's do an ultrasound and see if we see any movement. This going to be cold at first." She rubs the gel on my stomach and I try to control my breathing. She can obviously tell I'm freaking out because she grabs my hand gives it a tight squeeze. _

_"It looks like you're pregnant," she says; everything else she has said gets drowned out by white noise. I'm pregnant. Christian and I are pregnant. _

_Oh no, Christian. _

_"I have to go..." I move to get up and start to take off the cover she gave me to put my clothes on. "I'll make sure I get the prescriptions filled that you gave me." _

_"Ana!" I turn around and she's looking at me like a concerned parent, "Ana, everything will be okay. Just take it easy and please get those prescriptions filled, make sure you get your next appointment scheduled before you leave."_

_I make my way out of the doctor's office in a daze; I get into the SUV and pull out my phone. I'll tell him tonight, not over the phone. _

* * *

_I'm already sitting at the table when Christian comes in from work, "Hey baby, how was your day?" He kisses my temple and sat down across from me. _

_"It was good," I take a deep breath and look anywhere but at him, "What about yours?"_

_"Long. Busy as usual but I missed you." _

_We start eating dinner and about half way through he finally says something, "Are you going to tell me what's bothering you?"_

_"What do you mean…?" I still don't look at him; I am focusing hard on moving my food around..._

_"Anastasia, look at me."_

_I finally look at him and I cannot hold back the tears, he starts to get up but I stop him. "No. Please, stay over there," I take a deep breath and wipe my eyes. _

_"Ana, you're scar-…"_

_"I'm pregnant." My timing wasn't great but I said it. I finally said it. _

_"Wha…?"_

_"I am pregnant. We… We are pregnant, Christian."_

_He stands up so quickly that his chair falls back on the floor and he starts pacing, "How…?"He stops to look at me, but then when I open my mouth to answer him he starts pacing again. _

_"Christian, talk to me." I cannot stop the tears now, their flowing out of my eyes like a waterfall._

_"I… I…" He finally stops and turns towards me, he doesn't say anything for a while and without taking his eyes off me he screams, "TAYLOR!"_

_What?_

_Taylor appears out of thin air, "Yes, sir."_

_"I need you to go to the drug store and pick up some pregnancy tests. I don't care how many you get just get some." I get up to move towards him but he steps back._

_"Christian. You don't need to send Taylor anywhere, Dr. Greene told me herself."_

_"You already went to Dr. Greene? When did you do this and why didn't you tell me? Did you go with security? What the hell were you thinking?"_

_This just took a turn for the worst. _

_"Dr. Greene called me today during work and told me that I had missed my last appointment, it must have been around the time Ray was in the hospital because I completely forgot about it. I went in to see her and she took my blood and did an ultrasound to confirm it."_

_"But you haven't been sick or been feeling weird have you?"_

_That's when I pause, I have been feeling weird lately but I figured it was because of the lack of sleep and all the stress. "Christian, I did feel weird but I thought it was just stress…"_

_"You thought? Why the hell are you so careless!?" Oh he's mad now. _

_"Excuse me? I'm careless? Do you not hear yourself right now?"_

_"I have to go…" He moves passed me like I'm not even there._

_"What? Why are you leaving?"_

_"I just cannot be near you right now, I need to think."_

_I sink to my knees and cry my eyes out, I didn't move until Gail's arms came around me to move me to the bedroom. When I lay down I look on the nightstand and see the bag of pregnancy tests. What a mess this is. _

* * *

_I wake up the next morning feeling even worse; Christian isn't next to me so he probably already left. I see his shirt that he was wearing yesterday on the chair in the corner – so he did come home. _

_I walk out into the kitchen after getting ready for work and see Gail making breakfast, "Good morning Gail. Do you know if Christian already left for work?"_

_"Yes, dear. He left really early this morning…"_

_I frown and hurry to eat my breakfast so I can for work and get my mind off of things. _

_My day goes by fast and I am feeling even worse by the time I get home, I still haven't heard from Christian all day and I doubt I will even see him tonight. I cannot believe he just left. I walk into the penthouse and start to feel faint; I walk to the kitchen to get a glass of water._

_"Ana, are you okay?" Who is that? Is that Gail?_

_"Ana!"_

_All I hear is glass breaking and everything goes dark._

* * *

_I wake up in the hospital with wires and tubes everywhere, its dark in the room which means its dark outside… I look next to me and see him. He's asleep in the chair which is pulled right up next to my bed and his head is on top of my hand as it's engulfed in his big manly hands. I really don't want to wake him but I am so thirsty so I decide to run my other hand through his hair. He stirs for a moment and blinks a couple times as he tries to wake up, and then his head pops up and he's leaning even more towards me._

_"Ana, you're awake... Oh thank god." He takes a deep breath and lets an even bigger one out. "Are you okay? Are you thirsty?"_

_I nod my head and drop my hand back to my side, the other going directly to my stomach, "What happened, Christian?"_

_"Here, drink this first and then we'll talk." He moves a cup up to my mouth and I take a few slow sips. _

_I move my hand up to let him know I was finished, "Christian, please tell me what happened…"_

_"Ana, you fainted because of a few different things – one being because you didn't eat or drink anything all day yesterday."_

_Yesterday? What day is it? "What do you mean?"_

_"I'm going to get the doctor, okay?"_

_He gets up and leaves the room, and then a few minutes later returns with the doctor and a nurse. "Ms. Steele, welcome back. I hear you don't understand why you fainted yesterday?"_

_I nod my head to let him know to continue. _

_"First, I would like to ask you some questions…" He pauses and looks to Christian and then to me, "How long did you know about your pregnancy…?"_

_"Uh," I start to stutter, "I… I just found out yesterday. Why? Did something happen?"_

_"Ms. Steele, you fainted because you were very dehydrated and you subsequently had a miscarriage." _

_My mouth falls open and I feel Christian grab my hand but I immediately yank it from him and cover my face to hide the tears. "I… Had a miscarriage? But… I just found out yesterday!?" _

_"Ms. Steele, you need to calm down, everything is okay now… You did nothing wrong, but sometimes these things happen. We need you to keep your stress levels down for the time you are here."_

_I lay back and close my eyes, taking a deep breath and try to go to sleep so that everyone knows I don't want to continue this conversation… _

_I just want to sleep and wake up from this horrid dream. _

* * *

**Hey guys! Sorry I took so long to update but my boyfriend surprised me with a trip to the beach this past weekend and I didn't have a chance to pack my laptop or anything! I also had to work this morning. **

**This was a flashback chapter all the way, there will probably be one or two more of these throughout this story. Hopefully this will answer some questions about the miscarriage. I apologize if there is any mistakes - I was rushing to get this out today because I promised you guys weekly updates! **

**Review! Review! Review! **

**xoxo,**

**Madss**


	8. Chapter 8

_When I turned around, I see the most gorgeous man ever...just standing in my kitchen._

I don't know how long we stood there for, it wasn't that long until I dropped my phone in my jacket pocket and quickly walked up to him to wrap my arms around him but he stopped me when I was half way to him.

"Ana, wait - please." He didn't move, he put his hands in his pockets and cocked his head to the side.

"Christian, what is all this?" I could not help the fit of giggles that left my mouth. Between the giggles and the tears I probably looked like such a mess.

"This is me - starting over, and giving you what you should have had before. This is how I should have wooed you."

"You're wooing me?" I couldn't help but to giggle some more and look around at my apartment, when I finally looked back at him he looked as if he was holding himself back. Like he wanted to touch me, but was holding back so I start to take small steps towards him.

"Yes. You wanted to start over and this is how I'm doing it. I am showing you what we had, all the love that we shared during the time we were together." He waves his hand around the room and I notice more and more pictures on the floor. "I needed to let you know that if we do this, if we start over and you leave me again - then that's it. I'm done. I cannot go through us falling back in to each other just to go through almost dying again from losing you. I don't have the strength to lose you again..."

"Christian…?" He started to get off of what he was originally talking about, wooing me? Me?

"Sorry, like I said," he shook his head to rid the thought of anything negative. "Ana, yes, wooing you… Uh, you're the only girl I have ever had to work hard for – even in the beginning I had to chase you." Holy hell is he nervous? He looks so nervous. "I want to continue to work for your love Anastasia, every day of my life but today let's just start with a date. Would you, Anastasia Steele, like to grace me with your beautiful presence for a date outside?"

I couldn't help but cover my mouth with my hands to hide the fit of giggles and he blushed even harder. That's my cue to make my move. I go quickly to wrap my arms around his neck and bury my face in his neck, placing small kisses right at the curve of his skin. He obviously didn't expect it because it took him a few moments to wrap his arms around me and hold me tighter against him. He picked me up and set me on the counter top, making sure he was right in between my legs. When he pulled back he leans his forehead on mine - our lips almost touching.

I breathe in his smell, "Thank you. Thank you so much and YES! I would be honored to go on a date with you."

He hugged me tighter, and pulled back again, "thank you for saying yes to me, again."

"Christian, I tried calling you when I was at the airport to say goodbye. I had this overwhelming feeling of need and want for you and it drove me crazy the whole flight here. So listen to me Mr. Grey, I have never wanted to fight for anyone or anything like I am willing to fight for you and what we had. I will always, always say yes to you and I will never make the same mistake twice about leaving you. I already did it once and it almost killed not just you but me as well." He breaks out his award winning smile at my words and drops his head to try and hide it in my hair.

* * *

We spent the day outside, talking about everything. How his company has been, Taylor and Gail, Sawyer, and his family. All we've done is hold hands and he hasn't made any moves to kiss me, yet he won't let go of my hand. When we walked all the way through the park, we decided to stop and sit at a bench right in front of a fountain.

"When are you going back to Seattle?" I ask him without actually looking at him, I don't even want to hear the answer but I need to know.

He turns so his head is right in my hair, takes a breath and says, "Unfortunately tonight."

"Oh," I am so shocked; I don't want him to leave so soon.

"I don't want to leave either," he says like read my mind. "But I have to get back to GEH and take care of some important things so I can make time to come back here later."

"You don't have to put off work for me, Christian," I say with hidden disappointment, but make a quick decision "We have Skype and email, phone calls. We'll get through this long distance thing until I can move back to Seattle."

"I know but…" All of a sudden he moves farther from me to look my straight in the face and I have to fight to hide my smile. "You're moving back? When did you decide this?"

I reach out to touch his cheek, "Christian, you just gave me the greatest thing in the world, you're giving me a second chance to show you how much I really do love you. You're letting me correct the biggest mistake I ever made and I couldn't be more grateful for that. So I decided it just now, when you said you were going back to Seattle and I was…I was hurt because I wanted to spend more time with you. It'll take a while for me to get my stuff together with work, but I'm coming back to Seattle."

When I'm done talking he has the biggest smile on his face and says, "You are still so amazing."

"No, you are amazing. You don't deserve me after what I did to you and you're giving me a second chance, I… I don't even know how to thank you for that."

"Ana, you are thanking me right now by telling me you'll be moving back. That means you're trying. You are doing exactly what I have been dreaming about for five years."

"Christian… We still have so much to talk about." Do we? I mean, we've been talking all day but some part of me feels like we are just skipping over the big stuff even though right now I feel like I just got to know the person I love all over again.

"I know, let's go back to your apartment and do that okay?" He stands up and still has my hand so he pulls me up with him. We start walking back to my apartment and I feel…off. Is it because we are about to go down that road of why I left so long ago?

_I don't know._

* * *

When we make it back to my apartment, we open some wine and sit on the floor.

"So, what do you want to talk about first?" He says.

"Uh… Okay," just jump right into it, "so you haven't had a sub at all?"

He looks me dead in the eye, "No. I tried, but… I couldn't. Everything reminded me of you and it was just an overload sometimes. I would think I had my emotions in check but they would come out of nowhere." He sets his wine glass down, "Have you had any relationships?"

"No," I say with no hesitations, "I went out on a date – well it wasn't a date, we ran into each other at my favorite Chinese place down the street from work and he decided to eat with each other. The whole time he was talking all I did was think about you, turns out that was more interesting."

"You don't know happy I am to hear that," I giggle at his answer – as soon as I told him it wasn't entertaining his face lit up like a Christmas tree.

We don't say anything for a while because we both are obviously avoiding the big question.

"Ana, why did you leave? Why didn't you just talk to me and tell me how you felt?" Never mind, there it is.

"I… I was scared of losing you. I knew that having a baby, especially so soon, just wasn't in the cards for us. I really hate to say this but, a little part of me was happy at the time that I had a miscarriage because I wasn't going to ruin your life."

"Anastasia, -"

"No, let me finish!" I take his hand, "Christian, you were going through so many things when I got pregnant. We had just moved in with each other and you were still dealing with the aftermath of your family finding out about Elena and you were so stressed out because of work… I just felt like it was something else to add on to your already high as hell pile of worry! I didn't want to give you a heart attack, all you ever do is worry about me and I don't want you too; I just wanted you to be happy."

"I will always worry about you!" He yelled, "When you left I didn't stop worrying about you because I love you with everything in me, and it hurt so damn bad to admit that you left me on your own. I tried to tell myself for months that someone had to be making you stay away from me. Finally, after months, I broke down and just gave up giving myself that same pep talk every day; I didn't stop looking for you. I always had eyes on you, even after we saw each other because I couldn't let you go…"

I am trying my hardest to not cry because we need to get through this conversation and come out with some sort of middle ground. I rub my eyes and look at my apartment, the flowers everywhere, they candles, the photographs on the floors. The tears are flowing down my face and I cannot help it.

"You said something the other day about all those times you saw me, but I only saw you once in that alleyway. Where you around and I didn't even know it?"

"Yes, baby. I was there for a week before I actually got you within arm's reach. The first time I saw you I wanted to grab you and take you home, throw you over my shoulder like the caveman I am." I stifled a giggle at our old personal joke, "But Taylor talked me out of it, he said that if we watched you long enough we would be able to tell if you had left on your own or not."

"So, that's when you…"

"Yes," he said, "the third day I was there I watched you leave your apartment and go to work. You look breathtaking, like nothing had even happened and that's when I realized that you had left on your own."

I wipe my eyes and look up at him through all my tears, "Christian I had to try very hard to put up a mask. I made a deal with myself that the only place I would ever break down about you is within these walls of this very apartment. For a reason I don't know of, I thought that if I didn't think about you during the day then I would get over you quicker. But it actually made it so much worse. I would see or hear things that reminded me of you and as soon as I got in the door over there I was done for. I have shed many tears right there in the door way."

He goes to say something and gets cut off by his Blackberry, "It's Taylor, it must be time for me to get going." I can see the hurt in his eyes that he has to leave and as soon as we stand I lean up on my tip toes and crush myself to him. He holds me against him and I can barely here what he is saying.

I pull back to say my goodbye but he puts a finger to my lips, "Don't. I cannot say goodbye to you, this is a see you later until I can make it back. Which will be as soon as possible; all I want to do is stay here with you Ana. You have to believe me when I say that I will come back when I can and we will continue this. I love you so much." He kisses my temple and with that he was gone.

* * *

**Sorry I skipped a couple days, I have had family in and out of different hospitals and have been working overtime at work. Real life does this stuff some times. Anyways, I will be posting a chapter or two tomorrow and following this weekend because I already skipped days this week and I am so SORRY! **

**Also, in my story, they never got married. They moved in together after three months, dated for almost a year, the Elena thing happened and then the pregnancy/miscarriage happened. I know I didn't clarify these things when I first started my story but I guess I got off to a rocky start wit that.**

**If anyone has any questions just send me a PM, you all have been doing it anyways and I have tried to get back to everyone in a fast and appropriate manner... **

**As always, review review review!**

**xoxo,**

**Madss**


	9. Chapter 9

**I know, I know and I am so very sorry. So here you go...**

* * *

I woke up the next morning remembering last night and fought back the tears. Christian is gone.

_He had to, silly. He'll be back though, he loves you._

That's right. Christian loves me; he still loves me after what I did to him. How did I get so lucky to be able to try again with such a great and powerful man?

Whatever it was, I won't let anything break us up this time. This time it's going to be different, so different.

I get out of bed and turn on some music, today is going to be a great day I think to myself. I'm going to stay positive because everything is turning out to be the way it is supposed to. While getting ready I hear my phone ping, I go to grab it thinking it is just another work email. What I open surprises me even more…

**To:** Anastasia Steele

**Subject:** You

**From: **Christian Grey

As soon as I left your apartment last night I wanted to turn around.

I miss you. Have a good day at work.

Christian Grey  
CEO, Grey Enterprises & Holdings

As I read his email, I can't help breaking out into the biggest grin ever

* * *

**To:** Christian Grey

**Subject: **You, too.

**From:** Anastasia Steele

I miss you just as much, and yes… If you would have come back I doubt we would have ever left the apartment.

Anastasia Steele  
Editor, HarperCollinsNYC

* * *

I send off the email and decide to get ready for work. All I want to do is fly straight back to Seattle but I know better. I have to put in my two weeks' notice with HarperCollins before I do anything; I am already dreading the conversation with Mr. Aaron when I tell him I am leaving.

I finish getting ready for work and head out; on the walk there I think about the conversation I am going to have with Jerry, my boss. He took such good care of me when I first came to New York by giving me a job. He could tell I went through a bad break up because he and his partner had gone through a few before they got married. Jerry and Daniel were like my two lost souls that I needed the moment I got to New York; it just took a few days to find them. But when I did – it was worth it.

Daniel would come over with girly movies and dark wine to make me feel better. He was like the male version of Kate. Exactly like Kate.

"Good morning, Ross," I say to the receptionist when I finally make it in to the building.

"Good morning, Ana! How's it looking today?"

"So far, it's looking pretty good. See you later!"

I get in the elevator and hit the button to the twentieth floor and then make my way to my office.

"Good morning, Ana!" Sofia says, she is the exact opposite of Hannah and I know she'll do everything I ask.

"Good morning, Sofia. Messages?" She gets up with her notebook and follows me into my office. I take my seat and she hands me my coffee and starts to go over my schedule for the day.

"Sofia, will you please schedule a meeting with Mr. Aaron for today or tomorrow?"

"Yes, Ms. Ana. Should I tell him what it is regarding?" She asks.

"Just need to speak with him about some things I am working on, I'll fill you in later."

"Okay, what do you feel like for lunch?" She says, just as the phone rings and she rushes back to her desk to answer the call.

* * *

Work was going by fast until Jerry summoned me into his office, I decided to tell him tomorrow about me leaving, and I still needed to figure out how to approach the subject with him.

I knock on his office door since his assistant is nowhere to be found and wait for him to yell for me to come in…

"Ah, Ana, come in! Please sit."

"Good afternoon Jerry, what can I do for you?"

"Well Ana, I wanted to talk to you about a upcoming event. You've heard of the Writers Association, correct?"

"Yes, they are very well known," I wonder what he is getting at.

"Well Mr. Aaron and I have been asked to send two of our very own editors to their event this year in London and after careful consideration we wanted you to be one of the two to go."

"Really? I mean… Are you sure that it's me who you want to send to London?" Oh. My. Gosh. I have always wanted to go to London and this would be an amazing opportunity.

"Yes, Anastasia, Mr. Aaron even insisted that you should go. He was actually the one who brought your name into consideration." Whoa, what? I have only spent a handful of business occasions with our Senior Lead and it was all just meetings where I took notes in the corner. I don't understand how Mr. Aaron would even notice me.

"Wow. I cannot believe this. Uh, do I need to give you my answer to go right now? I would really appreciate it if I could think about this. To be honest, I think I am in such shock to even decide whether to go or not."

"Of course. Of course. Just so you know, this could be a great start for you to take on more responsibilities. If you impress our people over in London you could be traveling for our company a lot more," he says; his face full of hope.

"Jerry, this might not be the perfect timing for this but, I was actually going to put in my two weeks' notice tomorrow."

His face goes directly to confusion, "Two weeks' notice? Why would you do that? Is it something I have done wrong?"

"No, it's nothing like that! Actually I've recently worked things out with my ex and I decided yesterday that I wanted to be closer to him. I have decided to move back to Seattle."

"That's great Anastasia! Whatever you heart desires is something you need to do."

"Thank you Jerry, I really wish I could go on this trip. How long would it be for?"

He pulls out a paper from underneath several other papers, "Uh. It looks like it would only be for one week. It looks like you would be leaving on Thursday."

"This is the worse timing I am sure of it, Jerry. I really wish I could stay but I need to be closer to him if we ever have a chance of working things out correctly."

He puts his forefinger to his lip like he is thinking of something, "Actually we might be able to help you find work in Seattle, but you would have to go on this trip before you left."

"Uh, what kind of help is that?"

"We have a sister company in Seattle, with a recent new owner so they are changing the name. But the point is, you could transfer there after your two weeks is up and still be able to go on this trip to get some experience under your hat."

"Well, then this works out perfectly! I still hate to leave you Jerry. You and Daniel have helped me so much since I first started here." I get up to leave, but stop and turn around thinking of one more question. "Jerry, do you mind if I ask about the other editor that you guys are sending to London?"

"Oh, not at all. Since Mr. Aaron didn't have any time to really think of anyone else he said the he will accompany you."

"Oh," that's weird – I have never heard of a Senior Lead going with an editor to an event before. "Okay, thank you!"

I walk quickly back to my office and fire up my email, I cannot wait to tell Christian the news!

* * *

**To: **Christian Grey

**Subject: **news

**From: **Anastasia Steele

My boss just gave me some very exciting career news…

Would the sexiest CEO in Seattle like to know what it is?

Anastasia Steele  
Editor, HarperCollinsNYC

* * *

I don't think I have been this excited for any career opportunity since I started working at HC five years ago. I really hope that Christian will be happy for me; everything is starting to get better now that Christian is back in my life. He makes everything better no matter where he is.

* * *

**To: **Anastasia Steele

**Subject: **RE: news

**From:** Christian Grey

Sexiest, huh? Well I don't know about that! But there is a pretty hot goddess in New York right now that I would just love to get my sexy hands on… What, my darling goddess, is this news that you write of?

Christian Grey  
_Sexiest_ CEO, Grey Enterprises & Holdings

* * *

Oh! Playful Christian! I better use this to my advantage and FAST!

* * *

**To:** Christian Grey

**Subject:** goddess?

**From:** Anastasia Steele

Goddess? Why thank you kind, sir, but I don't know about THAT!

The Writers Association is having a week-long event in London, starting Wednesday, and they have picked me to go! Of course I brought up my two weeks' notice and they also told me I could transfer to a sister company in Seattle… How exciting is that? Everything is turning out how it is supposed to be and it is all because I have you back in my life, my love.

I cannot wait to see you again.

I love you so much.

Anastasia Steele  
Luckiest Editor, HarperCollinsNYU

* * *

I wait for about five minutes for him to email me back before I get started on work again. He probably just got busy and forgot about my email I am sure of it. He is a sexy CEO anyways. I am just about to shut everything down for the day when Sofia comes barreling into my office without as much as a knock on the door.

"Ana, you have a phone call and whoever it is – he is angry."

"Did they say who it was?"

"No, he just asked to speak with you immediately. He is on line one."

There is only one person who would be calling me right now; I don't usually get phone calls after 4:30 pm. I put all my stuff down and take a deep breath, "Hello, This is-"

"LONDON? I JUST GOT YOU BACK AND YOU'RE LEAVING ME AGAIN?"

Whoa. "Christian, will you please calm down!"

"I WILL NOT CALM DOWN. YOU ARE NOT TO GO TO LONDON!"

"Christian Grey I will hang up this phone right now unless you CALM DOWN!"

I hear him take a few deep breaths and wait patiently for him to tell me he is calm, but he doesn't. He just keeps taking breaths like he is waiting for me. "Are you okay?"

"No." He says, so sternly I feel like I am about to get scolded.

I wait a few more seconds before asking him again, "Christian, are you alright now?"

"No. I won't be alright until you are safely in my arms in Seattle. London is farther away and what if you don't come back because you figured out that reconnecting with me was a mistake?"

"Christian Grey!" I cannot believe he would say that, "Don't you ever say that again, this – what we have, is the furthest thing from a mistake. It's unforgettable, remember?"

"Yes, baby. I remember. I just don't like the fact of you traveling by yourself to London."

Oh shit. "Uh… I won't exactly be by myself; the Senior Lead Editor is coming as well."

"Senior Lead? I've never heard of them doing that? Who is she?"

I am screwed, "Well, Mr. Aaron is coming with me." I half ass mumble out.

"Who?" He says.

"Mr. Aaron. Christian you have nothing to worry-"

"YOU ARE NOT GOING TO GO TO LONDON!"

Lord, please help me.

"Why not?" I am starting to get mad, jealous Christian is no fun.

"I will not let my girlfriend go to London with some other man!" He is fuming now, I can already tell something in his office is about to get smashed.

"Christian, if we are going to work this whole thing out between us we need to learn how to trust each other. Nothing will happen, you have absolutely nothing to worry about. Please, don't make this something that will tear us apart again. You know I love you with everything in me! Please just trust me." I am almost crying now, I just wish I could show him how much I love him. Then it comes to me and I really hope this works out just like I want it too.

"Anastasia, I have to go to a meeting but we WILL talk about this later." He says, he sounds somewhat calm but I wouldn't want to be those people opposite that meeting.

"Okay, baby. I love you."

"I love you too, Ana. I just want to look out for you."

"I know, Christian. Go kick ass at that meeting." I say, I need to talk to Jerry before he leaves for the day.

"Always, laters."

* * *

That night, everything is set in motion as I board a plane to Seattle. I cannot believe I talk Jerry into giving me Tuesday and Wednesday off. I just have to be back by Thursday morning for our flight to London. I raced home as soon as I left the office to pack a bag and few intimate items; I just hope everything works out. I have already spoken to Gail, thanking my lucky stars that Taylor never changed her email address, and everything is in motion. Taylor specifically told me that Christian is going to be working late tonight and shouldn't be home by the time I get to Escala to surprise him.

I thankfully got a non-stop flight, thanks to Sawyers connections, and he will be picking me up at the airport. I should be arriving right around ten o'clock. I have a feeling of deja-vu since I was just doing this same thing almost a week ago.

How everything has changed.

* * *

**What kind of surprise should Ana give Christian when he gets home from work that night? Any suggestions?**

**xoxo,**

**Madss**


	10. Chapter 10

**Christians POV**

Why do I force myself to work with incompetent people? Why can't anyone do their job right?

Maybe it's just me. Why do I work so hard?

_Ana._ That's right; I want to provide the best possible life for Ana. She is my world.

_Not if she goes to London she isn't._

London. She can't go. But she did tell me to trust her, isn't that part of starting over?

I pick up my phone and call Welch, "I need everything you have on an Aaron from HarperCollins in New York City... Yes that is all the information I have. It's an urgent matter, Welch. I want it yesterday!"

I hope she realizes that Jack Hyde isn't the only man on the planet who would try and sleep with his employees. Those scumbags are all over the place and would do anything to get some ass.

But Ana doesn't even deserve to be looked at that way; I would spend my whole life protecting her if she'd let me but I know just as anyone that she won't let that happen. My girl is so stubborn and about as hard headed as they get, that's why I love her. That's why I have to let her go on this trip to London.

But if I let her go than I won't see her again for weeks...

I was going to surprise her on Wednesday at her apartment again. I love that look on her face when she sees me for the first time. Like at my parents' house last week, that look she gave me when we locked eyes, hers were filled with longing. I knew she was holding back when she saw me; that's why she left the room.

_That's what you wanted wasn't?_ Yes. I wanted her to want me.

But now I have her and she is across the country... Fuck this, I need to drown myself in a bottle of hard whiskey - I am the CEO, I can leave whenever I want too.

"Taylor!" He immediately enters my office, "Meet me downstairs, it's time to go home."

"Sir, you do realize you have that conference call with Japan at 6:30." I glance at the clock on my desk, shit, it's only five?

"You're right." He turns and leaves my office and I swivel my chair around to the pictures of Ana that are hanging on my wall still. I start to remember the day that I almost took them down but just couldn't bring myself to keep them down. I believe they were off the wall for almost a minute before I put them right back up on the wall. That, of course, was when I was convincing myself that Ana was kidnapped and that I had to find her...

Instead I found out that she left because I was overbearing and stressing her out.

She left because I was to controlling.

_But she came back..._

Yeah, five fucking years later.

_But she came back..._

She. Came. Back.

I need to stop thinking about her and focus on work; if I keep thinking about her I am going to end up getting on the jet and fly out there tonight.

Fucking focus on work. Just focus.

I'll go to New York in the morning.

* * *

**ANA's POV**

Why am I getting so nervous, this is just Christian for heaven's sake…

_That's right, it is JUST Christian._

I just want this to all work out. He surprises me all the time and I never get to surprise him. I just want him to know that I am all in with this relationship - or whatever we are.

I am all in no matter what.

I have talked to Taylor and Gail several times since I left New York. Taylor stated that Christian was going to leave his office around five but he talked him out of it. As I walk out of the terminal I see Sawyer standing with a sign that has my last name on it, "Ms. Steele," he says curtly.

"Sawyer, nothing has changed in the last five years, I still would appreciate it if you would call me Ana..." I say, trailing off because I know that this has been awkward for him.

"Yes, Ana. I remember and I am sorry, shall we get going?"

"Yes. Is everything sorted out at Escala?" I say, liking his sense of urgency.

"Yes, Taylor is keeping Mr. Grey at GEH for as long as possible, I just spoke with him and he said that they are probably going to be heading home in an hour or so and Gail has everything set up for you at Escala."

"Great... Let's do this." I say, I like my new stealthy self. Sawyer leads me out to the waiting SUV parked by the curb. He opens my door and helps me in, and then proceeds to the driver's side. When he gets in and starts up the car, I get hit with the realization that this is happening...

I am going to pull this off. _Get it together, Steele, we didn't come all the way out here for nothing. _

By the time we pull into the parking garage at Escala, I have all my thoughts sorted out. The moment I step into the elevator, they all come crumbling back to me – I take a few deep breaths and get myself together.

As soon as my foot made it into the foyer of the penthouse I was bum rushed by Gail. She was hugging me so tight I could barely breathe. "Gail, I cannot breathe."

She jumps back and clasps her hands together loudly, "Oh Ana, I am so sorry! I am just so happy to see you. You have no idea how relieved I was when Taylor told me that Christian was going to see you again in New York. I have definitely missed you being around here."

There's that word again, _again._ I can see the tears forming in her eyes so I immediately change the subject.

"Gail, it is wonderful to see you as well. I wish we could catch up but we are kind of stretched for time here. Maybe we can talk more over breakfast?"

As soon as I said breakfast her eyes lit up and she quickly dashed away any more falling tears, "Of course, everything is set up for you. Taylor just told me that he and Mr. Grey are going to be leaving within minutes so you need to get ready. I'm sure you aren't going to be greeting Mr. Grey in jeans and a sweater."

_Oh. My. God. _

I definitely could not help that blush that crept upon my face during her final sentence; she made her way behind me and into her and Taylor's living quarters. I shake off the embarrassment and rush up into the guest bedroom – throwing my bag in the closet after pulling out the essential items I will be needing.

After changing and making sure the blackout curtains are all open wide so the city lights can be seen I quickly get into my hiding spot.

I hear the elevator moving, back down to the parking garage. Showtime!

I take my place and wait patiently.

* * *

**Christians POV**

After what seemed like the longest conference call of my life and two more whiskeys I am finally home. I'm not even in the elevator yet but that feels better than being in the cold parking garage.

Stepping into the elevator I think about calling Ana, but decide against it. I want to get in bed and comfortable so I can fall asleep on the phone with my angel.

I discard my jacket, tie, and shirt on the couch, and then dig through my pockets for my phone to call Ana.

Fuck it, I cannot wait anymore.

"Hey baby," she answers immediately, "how was your day?"

I breathe a sigh of relief, "it was just that. Long. But I am so happy to be home and talking to you. How was work for you?"

"Same as you, I couldn't wait to get outta there so I could talk to you but I had to finish up some final things before leaving. It's so good to hear your voice, I miss you so much."

I smile, she is so adorable, "I miss you just as much, the only thing that would make this night better is if you were standing here with me. I hate that this is how it has to be."

I hear her take a deep breath and I already know the topic of London is coming, "Christian, will you do me a favor?"

"Depends on what it is, Ms. Steele," I say stifling a laugh.

"Just go out on the balcony," she says, "and tell me when you are there."

"Okay. I am out on the balcony." I can hear her open a door, probably to her balcony as well…

"Look up at the moon…do you see it? Now sit down, close your eyes and relax."

"Okay baby," I do as I am told making sure to take a comfortable seat, "I am relaxing."

"Take a deep breath, and don't say anything. I want you to act as if I am sitting next to you."

I smirk, "baby if you were sitting next to me I would not have my eyes closed."

"Christian, please? And put your phone on speaker and set it on the table," she says.

"Yes, ma'am."

"Just listen to my words, okay? I want you to take two deep breaths, and just concentrate on me being next to you. Feel me next to you, Christian."

Again, I take two deep breaths and listen to her commands. I sit back more into the chair and relax my shoulders, concentrating as if Ana was right next to me. Her tips help because I immediately feel her next to me, as if she was really here… Just picturing her in my mind sitting next to me, holding my hand, and rubbing her thumb across my palm – she always does that to soothe me.

"Okay, do you feel me next to you?" She says, and I honestly feel like she is right next to me, I can feel her hand on my hand and her thumb rubbing circles over my palm.

"Yes…" I say letting out a relaxing breathe.

"Christian, I want you to open your eyes."

"No, I don't want you to go away. I like having you next to me…" I say, almost pouting. I've wanted this feeling all day and now that I have it I won't let it go.

All of a sudden I feel her hand leave my hand and a few fingers on my shoulders; I immediately shoot up and open my eyes to see Ana sitting in the chair next to me. I look at her and rub my eyes a few times until she finally says something.

"Hey baby…" the Ana look alike says, followed by her giggle which is music to my ears.

"Ana…? Are you really here?" She stands up and takes two steps towards me.

"Yes, Christian, I am really here."

I don't hesitate to take her in my arms and bring her tight against my body, crushing my lips to hers in a passionate filled kiss that makes my knees weak. I run my hands up and down her body and take in the feel of her hands running through my hair. I run my hands down to her perfect ass and cup it hard, pulling her up so she has to wrap her legs around me. The second we break away I go right back in and catch her lips with mine; I hold her right against my body as I carry her inside.

_She came back. _

* * *

**_So...? _****I hope I fulfilled everybody's (somewhat) wishes on this surprise visit to Seattle. I wasn't going to go this direction at ALL trust me, I got a LOT of PM's over the last couple days about there being "****_other women" _****in his apartment when she got there. **

**Not** yet** guys, but one day.**

**xoxo,**

**Madss**

**P.S. - the next chapter is going to make you all crazy, and that is a promise. **


	11. Chapter 11

Christian carried me back into the living room and pushed me up against the adjacent wall, our breathing was so hard and I couldn't even tell if we were taking breaks to breathe or not. His hands were every where, and every time I tried to focus on where they were - they were gone, roaming another place on my body. They were in my hair. On my neck. My ass. My legs. My hips where he would grind into me even more.

I dug my nails into his scalp and pulled his hair to bring his face back up towards mine, that made him growl low in his chest.

"Ana, what are you doing to me?" he said, breathless, which made me melt even more into him. He slowly slid me down his body until my feet made contact with the floor. Cupping my face with both his hands, I was definitely swayed with love for him, and even more so when he kissed me again. But it wasn't like before, like he needed to make sure I was here. No, this was a passionate kiss - the kind that made my knees weak.

"I could say the same to you. You're the only person I would ever do this for."

"..and what, pray tell, is that?" He said, "Fly 3000 miles to see me? surprise me in my apartment? Make me fall even more in love with you than I already am? I had such a horrible day at work, everything that could have went wrong - went wrong. All I could think about is when I could see you next. I just couldn't focus."

His words make me melt, "so you decided to come home and have a glass of that amber liquor to calm down a bit, huh?"

"Yes. But I had more than a glass," he says and he quickly hides his face in the crook of my neck.

"Christian," I start to rub his neck over and over, "hey, it's okay. You don't have to hide from me. I understand you had problems with your drinking and you don't want to start that all over again. But can you answer me one thing, baby?"

I barely feel him nod his head against me.

"Did you at least eat something?" As soon as I said the words he pulled me tighter against him, so I knew that was an automatic no. I can't believe he could be so stupid as to not eat, that is his number one rule when drinking. I mean, that's his number one rule for anything. I cannot get mad at him though, I feel like that is what he is expecting.

"Good, because then the food that Gail prepared for us would have went to waste. Come on." I try to push him from me but fail, he is still holding me so tight, "Christian, it's okay. Can we eat, please? I'm starving."

That gets him to let me go, we make our way to the kitchen and I sit him down at the table. When I turn around he catches my wrist, "Where are you going? Aren't you joining me?"

"Yes, silly. I have to get the food, right?" He lets me go again, and I make my way to the oven to pull out the plates of food that were staying warm. As I make my way back to the table I can feel Christians eyes on me, watching me the whole way. Not the food. Just me.

I put the plates down at both of our spots and say in a soft voice, "dinner is served."

* * *

I didn't realize how hungry I was until we started eating, quickly realizing that I hadn't eaten anything since breakfast. Ha! If only Christian knew. That makes me laugh to myself thinking of the irony.

"How did you do this? " Christian says, breaking me out of my day dreaming, "what made you do this?"

I looked at him for a moment before I said, "You really want to know?" and he nodded his head in confirmation.

"Well, I was thinking about you, and about our conversation on the phone earlier." I slowed my pace and breathed a little, he is narrowing his eyes at me like he is waiting for something to happen, "and I just thought about how when I go to London, you won't be able to see me for a while and our scheduled phone conversations would be all messed up. I just wanted to see you right before I go and show you how much I love you. Because I do, I love you Christian, and I would do absolutely anything to show you that. Even fly 3000 miles and surprise you in your apartment."

By the end of my rant I am staring hard at him, waiting for some sort of angry outburst. But it never comes, he just sits there and waits...expecting me to say something else maybe.

When I go to open my mouth for another go at him, he holds his hand up to stop me and closes his eyes.

I wait just a while longer until I say his name, "Christian...?"

He opens his eyes and I see nothing but love in them, "I'm just letting those words sink in, Ana. You don't know how good it feels to hear you say that you'd do anything for me. When I spent my whole life thinking that I wasn't good enough for anyone - for anyone's love. Even an angel like you...and then to sit here and listen to you open your heart to me. Again. After everything we've been through and you still love me? It's like music to my ears, baby. Because I know that I would walk to the ends of the earth for you."

I wipe away my tears and get up to stumble over to him. Falling into his lap I feel his arms go around me tightly, holding me to his chest, "I need you to stop with these tears, baby. "

I start to giggle and sniffle my way back from his body so I can look him in the eye, blue to grey. Perfect match.

"I've missed that sound, baby." He says, while wiping away my tears, he places the softest kiss on my lips, "I hate seeing you cry, but your lips are so soft when your done..."

"Well these are tears of happiness, Christian. You make me feel whole again, like that part of me that's been missing for five years is finally back... I still can't believe we are doing this..."

He cups my face and starts rubbing circles on my back, "What can I do to make this real for you?"

I lean in so our foreheads are touching, "just kiss me you silly man."

"We aim to please, Ms. Steele."

When Christian kisses me a rage full of passion boiled up within me and I couldn't control myself. I latched on to him and wrapped myself around his body until I couldn't get any closer to him. When I nibbled his bottom lip a low growl came from deep inside his chest and he stood up immediately - taking me with him. He walked until I felt him fall back on to the couch; he adjusted my legs so I was straddling him and we continued our lustful embrace.

I could tell that Christian wanted to move to the next base because his fingers kept playing with the bottom of my shirt. He kept tracing the lining of it and then removing his hands from that area - like he was fighting with his emotions. I gave him a little nudge in the direction that I wanted to go in by moving my hands down to his shirt to unbutton his top buttons a little. I moved my fingers through his chest hair and lightly dug nails into his skin. As soon as I did that I knew it was a mistake...

Because when I did that Christian froze and grabbed both of my wrists so I couldn't move.

My eyes shot open and what I saw looking back at me took my back to when I first met Christian Grey.

* * *

All I saw was cold and darkness. I felt it radiating from him in waves. I didn't know what to do, he started to shake and his breathing became erratic - like he was trying to catch his breath after almost drowning.

"Christian... Baby,." His hands moved from my wrists and tightened on my shoulders and I knew I only had one chance at bringing him back. I gently cupped his face and moved my body away from his chest so I wasn't touching any of his no go areas. "It's me, Ana."

I could see some of Christian in his eyes still fighting hard to come back to reality but the struggle was too hard, "Christian, It's me, Anastasia... Baby, please...come back to me." At that moment I started to get scared because he wasn't coming back to me. He wasn't seeing that it was really me. All he saw was rage. His grip tightened on my shoulders more and I already knew there would be bruising tomorrow, the pain started being too much to handle.

I cupped his face again and started rubbing circles on his temples with my thumbs, "Christian, it's me. It's Anastasia, I love you, please come back to me. I'm so sorry I did this to you! Please...Christian...I love you...I need you...please" The tears started falling down my face and I couldn't even wipe them away because I didn't want to break contact.

I closed my eyes and kept repeating the words 'I love you' over and over again. Waiting for some recognition from him.

Finally, after what seemed like years, I finally heard a horrid croak from the man I love, "...Ana?"

I opened my eyes to find a frightened boy looking back at me, his fingers loosening around my shoulders and moving to my back.

"Yes, Christian. It's me..." I said, through tears and worry.

"You came back..." and then he pulled me tight against him and started to cry into the crook of my neck.

* * *

We sat on the couch for ever. Or what seemed like forever. I didn't move an inch because it might have caused a breakdown again, instead, I waited for Christian to make the first move. He moved us so we were both laying down on the couch, him on his back and me on my side but almost on him. I kept my hands on his neck. Carefully caressing his hair every now and then. Whispering sweet and calm words into his ear. He never responded, but I knew that once he had cried everything out - got rid of the negative again. He would be alright.

We went through this same thing two weeks after we started dating, or whatever we were. That time was definitely worse than this time. The first time I got more than a little bruising on my shoulders...

* * *

_**FLASHBACK - 6 years ago, started "dating"**_

_I couldn't be more excited to see Christian, even though I just saw him last night. I'm starting to get this way every time I get ready to see him. Those butterflies in my stomach won't calm down and Christian will notice my nerves right off the bat. _

_As soon as the elevator doors open I take a deep breath_, calm down Ana_, I start walking toward to Living Room with confidence. That quickly dissipated when I saw a sculpted back and the but of my favorite pair of jeans hanging off his hips. Christian was staring out the big windows that traced the skyline of Seattle. I waited a while to clear my throat because I wanted to take in the sight of this beautiful man in front of me. _

_Instead, like he sensed my presence, Christian whipped around to face me and tried to fight back a smile, "Anastasia...You look beautiful." He held out his hand for me, "come here."_

_I dropped my bag and walked over to him, careful not to trip over my own feet, he wrapped his hand around mine and twirled me around so his arms were around me. My back to his front. _

_"I missed you," he said while digging his nose into my hair._

_ "I missed you, too..." I said, leaning back into him, feeling his strong muscles around my small frame. _

_"You missed me what?" He said. Uh oh._

_I gulped and took a deep breath, "I missed you too, Sir."_

_"Good girl, remember your place when you come into my home." _

_I cast my eyes down to the floor, _remembering my place,_ as he said. _

_"Yes, Mr. Grey."_

* * *

**Okay, I know. I deserve to be punished for not giving you guys a chapter in what...two weeks? And for that I am so sorry. I had a bunch of family in and out of my house over the last few weeks and it got crazy for a while there. I couldn't just whip out my laptop and start writing erotica in front of my in laws, right?**

**Anyways, the moral is that I am sorry. So here is a good chapter for you! Now, I guess I got some peoples feathers in a bunch when I said that Christian won't be cheating **_yet_ **but you guys need to calm down. This is a ****fanfic**** story and I don't know where I am going with it yet. When I first started I did have a plan in mind but since you guys are so VOCAL (and I love it) about your love for this story - it took me in a different direction. Now, for the future...I don't have any thing in mind about either of the two love birds dying or losing their memories. **

**Not **yet** guys, but one day - I wish I could tell you what this meant...**

**but that would ruin the story...**

**xoxo,**

**Madss**


	12. Chapter 12

**Continued... **

I looked up a him and couldn't help but to melt in his arms, I unknowingly bite my lip and I heard him gasp but didn't take my eyes away from his. I couldn't break eye contact just yet, I barely get to look at these beautiful eyes.

"You are so beautiful..." He says, "Do you know how badly I want you? How much it hurts me to see you with another man?"

"Yes, sir."

I knew going to hang out with Jose was going to came back on me. _Isn't that what you wanted?_ There was no way I could get away with him not finding out, I saw Sawyer following me this morning, but I kept walking with Jose. Not even thinking of the repercussions.

"I don't think you do, when I saw you this morning - you looked so happy and free. I wish I was different to allow you to be that way with me...but you broke the rules, Anastasia. Do you understand?"

"Yes, sir." He was with Sawyer? So he saw first hand.

"Then you won't be surprised by your punishment..." His hands went to my hair, gripping it so I couldn't move my face and he slowly pressed his lips to mine. The kiss started out slow and sensual, but quickly moved to passionate. He shoved his tongue past my lips and I couldn't help but to moan in pleasure.

I could probably have an orgasm right now.

I moved my fingers through his hair, taking in the feel of it, loving that he is letting me touch more than his shoulders. Christian is running his hands up and down my body, cupping my ass every other time, making me want him so much more. I start to run my hands down his neck, massaging as I go... I start to mess with his shirt pulling down a little so I can run my fingers through the little patch of hair thats there.

I guess I go to far, because Christian becomes as stiff as a board and doesn't move. He grabs my wrists and forces them together behind my back, swinging me so I am up against he window... Pushing me so hard against it I feel like its going to break. His grip is so tight around my wrists that it's making my shoulder blades hurt with all of his pulling. All of sudden Christian is off of me, pulling back so far away from me so I can't even reach out and touch him. He is breathing hard and his eyes look dangerous.

"Wha..." I couldn't even make out a word before he turned away from me.

"Don't." I could see his muscles moving throughout his cotton tee due to his heavy breathing. I knew I had just struck a heavy nerve.

Gah! What was I thinking?

"Go to the playroom..." and when I don't move, he turns around and stalks towards me. Grabbing my arms and shaking me, "What did I say? Go to the playroom! Now!"

He lets me go and I couldn't help but to stumble back and fall on my ass..._of course._ I immediately get up and run to the playroom, I undress and try to hide my nerves. But I can't help it, I am scared shitless. I have never even seen him this mad before.

I get in position and all to soon I hear the door open and I see his bare feet in front of me.

"Get up, and go stand in front of the cross, facing it." he says, and I know he is all Dom mode now.

There is no coming back with this Christian.

I get up and walk fast over to the cross, hanging my head the whole way. Not even bothering to look up when I get there.

I just stand there, in my black lace long...waiting for my punishment.

I can feel him moving around me, but he has yet to touch me. I hear one of the drawers open and close and then I can hear him walking towards me, "Arms up, Anastasia."

I throw my arms up hastily and lock my elbows so they wont bend, I know he hates that. _Now I'm thinking about what he hates? Look at what got me into this situation..._

He ties my already sore wrists to both ends of the cross, making sure that when he moves around me he doesn't touch me one bit. Although I can feel him standing right behind me, its killing me that he isn't touching me. He pulls my hair into a braid until its to his satisfaction; I winced a little when he pulled on it to make sure it was snug.

"I should lock you in here and never let you out, Anastasia. Imagine all of the things I could do to you..."

His voice is so dark and filled with venom, I'm surprised he doesn't notice how nervous I am. I can hear the rattling of the cords against the wooden cross as my body is probably shaking with fear.

"Breathe, baby...Do you know why you are getting punished?"

"Because I touched your chest, sir."

"That's right, and what else?"

"Because I spent time with another man, sir."

"That's right." He placed his hand on my lower back and traced a finger up and down my spine, "who do you belong to, Anastasia...?"

I couldn't think, I could only focus on his hands on my bare back. SMACK! His hand came down on my ass hard and I couldn't help but to yelp.

"QUIET!" I clamped my mouth shut and bit the inside of my lip.

"Now this time, answer me - who do you belong to?"

"You, sir. I belong to you."

"That's right, and you will receive ten spanks with a cane for spending time with that photographer and another ten for touching my chest. Do you understand?"

"Yes, sir!" I couldn't help but to force my answer.

"What are your safe words?"

"Red, sir."

"...and?"

"Yellow, sir."

"Red and Yellow. Alright, I want you to count for me, do you understand me?"

"Yes, sir."

SMACK! "One!"

SMACK! "Two!"

SMACK! "Three!"

...and it continued until he got to twenty. As soon as the last smack came down he slammed into me. "AHH!"

He didn't say a word. I heard the tear of foil and he gripped my hips so he could thrust into me hard, only stopping once to let me know this wasn't going to end good for me. This was part of my punishment and I needed to realize it. This was for him.

That force that he caused when ever he was inside of me was running throughout my body. I couldn't help but to move my hips a tad here and there so I could get some sort of friction. I just had to make sure I wasn't going to cum. But the way he was holding my hips I just couldn't help moaning once or twice.

Christian didn't say anything about me moaning but he did tighten his grip on my hips after each one.

"Ahh, baby. God, Ana you're so tight..." He kept thrusting until he got his release, "you are mine. Do you understand me?"

I whimpered a little bit but I forced out, "Y-Yes, Sir." I definitely wasn't standing on my feet anymore, the cords were pulling on my wrists and they were the only things holding me up. It hurt so bad but I didn't care. I couldn't, all the fight was drowned out of me and I couldn't stand anymore.

When Christian finally noticed me leaning against the cross and not on my feet, he quickly pulled me against his body with one arm and undid the cords with the other. He picked me up and placed me on the silk covered bed, "I'm going to get you some cream and Advil."

He left the room, and I curled up into a ball. I could feel my skin burning from the cane and it felt like fire ants running over my whole body. I had to will myself not to burst out crying, my tears were threatening to fall any second.

_What am I doing?_

I heard Christian come back in and the bed dipped when he sat down. As soon as his hand touched me I curled more away from him until I was on the opposite side of the bed.

Then it dawned on me, I need to leave. I needed to get out of here..._away from him. _

He moved towards me some more and I couldn't stop myself, "No...", and there were the tears. Falling and falling fast, just like had with Christian. I fell for him, and I fell fast and hard.

"Ana...stop being silly, come here." He came forward towards me again and my body started to shiver, I felt like I was having a panic attack.

"R-Red." it was just above a whimper and I don't even know if he heard me.

"Wha-"

"RED!" I flipped around, my body stinging in pain, "I said, RED!" The look on his face was of pure agony and betrayal. He looked like he had just seen his life flash before his eyes, pale and mouth hanging wide open.

Ana I-"

"No. Don't talk to me," I wiped my tears and flung the excess at him, making him jump. "Do you feel that Christian? Huh? Do you know what that is?"

I didn't even give him a chance to speak, "that's what it feels like when someone you love beats you with a cane twenty times!"

I get up fast, wincing in pain and move quickly to the bathroom. I slam the door shut and turn on the light - afraid to look in the mirror. managed to get a glimpse at my back and I could see the red welts already forming, and some dark bruising but I'm really hoping that's not the case.

As soon as I got a glimpse of my ass the tears started falling like a dam being reopened; I sank to my knees and kept crying until I started hiccupping. I tried to fight back the tears or stop them some how...but they just kept falling.

I hear movement behind me by the door, the shadows casting around the bottom. Someone, and I can only imagine it being Christian, falls against the door. Mainly at the bottom, like he's leaning against it for support.

"...Ana?" said a strangled sob.

_He's crying? What for?_

"...baby, please answer me...Ana, please. Open the door. Do something so I know you're okay," he kept saying my name over and over again. I moved over to the door and leaned my forehead against it- listening to his muffled sobs through the wooden door. Making sure I make the least amount of noise possible - I want him to know that he fucked up.

Those muffled sobs set my water works off again, I tried to fight them but they started coming down harder. I placed my hand against the door, praying that he would go away so I could leave without his notice.

Ha. _Yeah right._

"Baby, please...talk to me."

Nothing. Silence.

"Anastasia, if you don't answer me I will break this door down!"

I struggled to talk for a moment, but then I forced out a powerful ,"No!" Followed by my tiny fist banging against the door.

Even through the door I could hear is sigh of relief and leaning back against the door, "thank God..."

"No. No. No." I kept pounding on the door harder and harder until the side of my hand was bright red. Well, might as well match the rest of me. I can only imagine what my make up is doing right now.

* * *

After what seems like hours, I finally manage to pull myself up and take a hot bath. I didn't stay in to longer, for the fact of Christian barging in whenever he wanted. I actually am surprised that he hasn't broken the door down or even unlocked it.

I wrap myself in an oversized towel and take a deep breath before I open the door, just enough for me to peek out and make sure Christian is gone. I walk out further because I still don't see anyone. I manage to put my close back on, sans underwear and hold my heels in my hand for my escape. I make it all the way downstairs to the kitchen until I was spotted by Gail, her hands flew up to cover her mouth and her gaze turned into understanding and pissed off at the same time.

_Probably at Christian._

She waved me over and put her finger to her mouth, we didn't say one word to each other. Gail handed me a bag that had some comfortable clothes in it and rode down in the elevator with me as I quickly changed out of my dress.

Once we got down to the parking garage, she pulled me into a gentle hug and quietly whispered, "You were and always will be the best thing that has ever happened to him. Even if he doesn't realize it right now. Take care of yourself, sweet girl. I won't say a thing."

**END FLASHBACK**

* * *

**Alright guys, we have to talk. I got WAY too many PM's and REVIEWS telling me that if I made this a cheating story...they wouldn't be able to continue. FACT: I may have dangled the possibility of cheating in front of you guys the wrong way but I didn't read in the rules and regulations that I had to send out a play by play of future plans with this story. **

** I'm going to say this only once, this is my story and if I want to write that Christian was with another person while THEY weren't even TOGETHER, than I will. Because it wouldn't be cheating - GASP! Say what? That's right. It. Would. Not. Be. Cheating. **

**However. I won't. **

**Because I love each and every one of your faces. Your faces that I have to imagine while I write this. **

**Read and Review**

**xoxo,**

**Madss**


	13. Chapter 13

I never thought this would be happening again... I mean, if Christian had already conquered his demons once - why is he so skittish about me touching his chest again? I want to ask him so bad, but I know I just need to let him cry it all out before I say or do anything. Not that I could, he's got me clutched to his chest so tight it's a wonder how I am still breathing.

I'm rubbing the back of his neck, trying to figure out what happened... Why won't he let me touch his chest?

It's like a drug, maybe. Like he relapsed.

"Christian, can you look at me please?" I beg, willing him to come out from the crook of my neck and talk to me. But I already have a feeling of how this is going to go. He still hasn't made a move so I lift my hands to his shoulders and gently push.

"No," came a mumbled answer, but still an answer nonetheless.

"Christian, it's been over an hour," _maybe even two_, "and I need you to tell me what just happened...please?"

"I don't know if I can..."

I kiss his shoulder, his neck, his cheek, and his forehead. Gently reassuring him that he can, "You are one of the strongest people I know, you can do anything."

Ever so slightly his arms slip from around my waist but his hands remain on my hips, he leans all the way back so his head is leaning against the wall and his eyes are still closed.

"Hey, tell me what's going through that sexy head of yours?"

"Just bear with me please. This is harder than the first time I had to tell you this, I feel like such a fool."

"Hey, look at me!" I take his head in my hands and lean my forehead against his, "You are not a fool. Nor are you a failure. Or any other self-degrading thing you can muster up. You are Christian Grey and I love you. No matter what happened in the past, do you hear me?"

He stares into my eyes for a moment before tiredly answering, "Yes."

I move off of him, next to him is fine but I didn't want us getting carried away because of our positions. I sit and wait, letting him breathe a little bit before he starts talking.

"The nightmares...they started a while after you left - months I'm sure. I even went back to seeing Flynn and it all just got worse...after my intervention with the drinking, I just never wanted anyone to come near me, unless it was you. You were all I wanted and I guess it just stemmed from that. I really can't explain it." He waits a moment, grabs my legs to lay them across his. "But, I know the nightmares made it worse. There was a time that I didn't sleep for days...I just...couldn't. All I saw when I closed my eyes is you leaving me over and over; I needed control and I wasn't getting it. I basically had a breakdown."

"So if you needed my touch, why did you freak out just now?

"I don't know, that's what I don't get," he says, running his hands through his hair, "maybe because I craved it for so long but never got it. I haven't allowed anyone to touch me since that stupid intervention thing."

I grab his hand and catch his eyes, making contact so he will see that I am serious, "I'm still listening, but I wanted to let you know that we will be coming back to the intervention thing." I crack a smile, and so does he.

He's back.

He grabs my other hand and holds them both in his giant ones, "You know I love you, right? I still can't believe you're here. No one's ever surprised me like this."

I giggle, "Except for that time you came home from that business trip and I secretly planned that party for your birthday...the look on your face was definitely a Kodak moment."

"Yeah," he said, looking as if he is remembering something, "hold that thought, I'll be right back." He tossed my legs up so he could stand and ran into his office, coming back a few moments later holding a picture frame.

"What is that?"

"I don't know if you ever saw this or not, but Mia snapped a picture of us that night. You were hiding when I got there and I couldn't find you, but I guess she got this the moment you jumped into my arms that night - which in the end, made me the happiest man alive."

I take a good look at the picture and what it shows me shocks me to my core. Two people, holding each other. Surrounded by others, balloons, and confetti. I can see Christian's hands around my waist, holding me to him. My hands are around his neck, playing with his hair. But that obviously isn't what he is showing me.

"Do you see it?" He asks, which of course, I do. Our eyes are locked on each other, not caring about anyone else in the room.

"Yes," I reach out and grasp the picture frame, remembering that night and how I hid from him because I wanted to watch his face when he was first surprised. "I see love, adoration and lust. Especially lust." I stifle a giggle, Christian had been gone for almost two weeks that trip and I definitely was suffering from it. "You were gone so long that trip, the longest one..."

"...and I hated every moment of it." He said, looking into my eyes, "Do you remember what you gave me for my birthday?"

I giggle, "Yes. I do remember giving you many things that night." I said, recalling our race for multiple orgasms and probably the most head I've ever given a person.

"They all were top notch gifts, but I liked the ones you gave me while on your knees. We christened a lot of furniture in this apartment... "He said, switching gears, "So I guess what I'm trying to say, is that...you were a big part of my life, Ana. I mean, you were the only part of my life that made sense. When I saw you, I knew that you were it. I guess I just relapsed back into the no touching because I just wanted you so much and I blocked everyone else out."

"...so what do we do now?" I ask, I wonder if he is going to...yep, he is. Christian grabbed my hand and slowly moved it towards his chest - eyes locked on mine the whole time. When my hand makes contact with his chest, he stiffens but moves it under his shirt anyways. I get up and straddle him, wanting to make sure he is okay with everything so I go as slow as possible.

"Christian, are you sure about this?'

"I've never been surer about anything in my life, Ana. If we are going to start over, this is where we probably have to start."

"O-Okay, well…okay" I smile at him, and gently start rubbing my hand back and forth over his heart.

"I just want to make this a better experience for you then the first time you accidentally touched my chest, I don't want to lose you again over my silly fears." He said, cupping my face and running his thumb over my jaw.

"Let's not talk about that time, okay? We got through it and that's all that matters." I say, gently kissing his forehead and then his lips.

"I will never forgive myself for what I did to you. I was such a terrible person and I don't know what I did to deserve you. But for you, I would move mountains to make you happy. Anything you want and you have it…you know that."

"Christian, I don't want anything. The only thing I want – I have. He's sitting on this couch and in the perfect position to kiss me, don't you think?"

"I don't think. I know," and with that. Christian grabs me up and tosses me lightly on the couch. He crawls over me and takes my face in his hands. His lips meet mine and all of our emotions pour out of each other in that one kiss. I want to get closer to him so I wrap my legs around him and grind into him as hard as I can.

He pulls back, his left hand on my hip, "Whoa…baby. Are you sure?"

"Yes, I need you," I say, grinding into him more so he will get my sense of urgency.

He immediately lifts me up and starts walking towards his bedroom, "Good, because I need you so much more." He opens the door and I slowly slide down his body, making sure I hit every aching spot of his.

He lifts up my shirt and takes it over my head, quickly coming back down to unbutton my jeans and pull them down to. I step out of them, leaving myself in nothing but my bra and panties.

Looking up at Christian, I mentally pat myself on the back for choosing the black lace underwear set. He traces my skin from one shoulder to the other with his index finger, dipping it where my collarbone dips and rising with it as well.

"Beautiful. Even more than you were five years ago…"

* * *

**This is a short chapter and for that I am sorry. I wrote the sex scene...twice, I haven't yet wrote it to where I feel like it deserves to be seen by you guys yet. I don't know what it is, but it's missing something and I'm going to figure it out. **

**Read & Review! **

**xoxo,**

**Madss**


	14. Authors Note

**Hey All! I wanted to say sorry about me abandoning this story - and of course, all of you. But I started school and got promoted (again) and things have been moving really fast lately! I am going to try and write a few chapters tonight/tomorrow and get some up for you. But, honestly, I don't know where to even begin. I need IDEAS! If anyone is willing to throw down some thoughts PM me and we can discuss!**

**I would really appreciate it!**

**I love you all (still) and I hope to be able to continue this story!**

**xoxo**

**Madss**


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